bshawise

The Decision

2010-12-28T10:29:00.003-05:00

This is my final post on Blogger. I'm taking my talents to Tumblr. I'm certain the president/owner of Blogger is going write me a scathing letter in comic sans. And fans of Blogger will call me Quitness. I'm sorry. I'm a lousy traitor. But from here on out you can find my nonsense on:

http://bshawise.tumblr.com

For those of you wondering why I'm changing teams. There are a few reasons.

1. My 8 ft. tall, iron-bending Swedish friend convinced me to.

2. It's a lot easier to use.

3. It's Facebook meets Twitter meets Blogger. So now that I have an account I can start following people and their posts show up in my "news feed." So it feels like the wild west of visual discovery. I can reblog things I like with a click of a button. It's like a digital potluck.

There is one negative. You can't comment in Tumblr. It's not like that happened a ton here on Blogger. But I do really like to hear from the five of you. So if you ever feel the need to comment you can always email me. I'd love that.

That's all. Come visit me in south beach.

Rusty Sea Beast

2010-12-20T12:55:00.000-05:00

Inspiro: Pigeon & Edward

2010-12-16T08:35:00.005-05:00

PIGEON

Your mom’s face is acting rude.

EDWARD

That doesn’t make- you know what? Just be quiet. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PIGEON

Oh, is that what I’m doing?

EDWARD

Yes.

PIGEON

I’m embarrassing myself.

EDWARD

Big time.

PIGEON

Well, what if I do this?

EDWARD

What? Oh my word. Why would you-

PIGEON

Is this embarrassing?

EDWARD

You’re pooping everywhere.

PIGEON

Oopsie. This must be so embarrassing for me.

EDWARD

(to Mexican President Felipe Calderon)

Lo siento, Sr. Presidente.

PIGEON

Yeah! So siento! Siento mucho grande por favor! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

EDWARD

Sr. Presidente, la paloma es actuar como un loco. Perdonarlo.

PIGEON

Tell him he should see what it looks like when I have una gordita.

EDWARD

I am going to.... deep fry you when we get home.

PIGEON

Your mom would like that.

(to President Cauldron)

His mamá es muy grande, señor! Mucho junko in el trunko. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

EDWARD

Lo siento, Sr. Presidente. Perdonarlo. Perdonarlo.

(to Pigeon)

I hate you so much.

PIGEON

Whatever. You love me. You love me long time.

EDWARD

Stop talking. I'm begging you.

7

2010-12-15T17:43:00.002-05:00

Wanna see the seven most recent pics on my iPhone?

Adele- Rolling in the Deep

2010-12-14T11:56:00.002-05:00

I could spend the rest of my life making videos like this. Big thanks to Leah for making me come into the TV room on Saturday morning to see VH1 play this amazing piece of art.

Inspiro Invitation Fail

2010-12-14T08:17:00.008-05:00

Well, I received exactly zero replies to my, "come play Inspiro with me" invitation. What that tells me is that I'm a huge loser. So, with the following submissions, I am the nerdy kid playing dodgeball against a swing at recess. Deja vu all over again.

Just When You Thought We Couldn't Get Any Dumber...

2010-12-12T10:32:00.001-05:00

...we go and make this video.

Wanna Play Inspiro w/ Me?

2010-12-10T14:59:00.001-05:00

Create something based on either of these scenarios and send it to me. I'll post it with whatever randomness I come up with. It's fun times. Promise.

Click here to download:

ATT00001.c (0 KB)

Click here to download:

ATT00002.c (0 KB)

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Inspiro #3

2010-12-09T08:22:00.008-05:00

RICHARD
Say, Cleves. Isn’t that your lady friend?

CLEVES
What? Where?

RICHARD
Down the road there. Past the infirmary tents.

CLEVES
By jove it is.

RICHARD
She runs quite odd, doesn’t she?

CLEVES
Yes.

RICHARD
It’s like she’s wading through porridge.

CLEVES
Yes.

RICHARD
Like her legs are tied to cannon balls.

CLEVES
Yes.

RICHARD
I'm quite confused. I mean, she’s running....but just....incredibly slow. Terrifically slow, Cleves.

CLEVES
Yes.

RICHARD
Why?

CLEVES
She says it’s dramatic.

RICHARD
What?

CLEVES
She hears music.

RICHARD
Music, Cleves?

CLEVES
Strings and choirs, sir. She says the audience loves it.

RICHARD
What in God’s name are you talking about? Cleves! We’re in the middle of a quite unpleasant war with the British pigs and your girlfriend is running towards us like a deranged wagon wheel popped off its axel.

CLEVES
Yes. I’ll remind her she looks quite silly.

RICHARD
Terrifically silly, Cleves.... Tragically silly.

CLEVES
The British are coming.

RICHARD
Pardon?

CLEVES
The British. They’re a hundred meters behind me lady. Marching in stark contrast to her porridge trot.

RICHARD
Ah, yes. I see them now. You can understand why I was distracted.

CLEVES
I can sir.

RICHARD
Time for war I guess.

CLEVES
Yes.

RICHARD
Give us liberty, eh Cleves?

CLEVES
Or death, sir. Although, I’d rather have the liberty.

RICHARD
Indeed. And know that I'll do my best to avoid shooting your girlfriend.

CLEVES
Thank you, sir.

Floods Are Fun

2010-12-08T19:56:00.001-05:00

Christmas came early for Miss and the Hound over at the dog park. They played a fun game of abominable swamp thing for a good 30 minutes. Luckily I didn't bring towels.

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0787.MOV (2049 KB)

Click here to download:

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Inspiro #2

2010-12-07T17:50:00.001-05:00

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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Inspiro

2010-12-07T08:55:00.004-05:00

I downloaded this app yesterday. It's an idea generator. I thought it'd be a fun writing tool. You press the button and it combines words together in ways that may trigger creativity. My first "Scenario" was this:

A turkey writing love letters to a paraplegic.

Here's what I wrote:

Dear Tom,

Sorry to hear about your paraplegia. My cousin had that once. He ended up getting honey dumped all over him and smoked to death. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen to you. I hear it’s a real stinker. Are you laughing as hard as I am right now? Stinker. Get it? ‘Cause of the smoke. Sometimes I crack myself up. Anyways...

I guess I’m writing because you gotta be just bored out of your mind. I figured a letter from the turkey living in your back 40 might brighten your day. How many of your non-paraplegic friends can say they got a handwritten letter from a turkey? Exactly. So yeah, hang in there. If you’re gonna lay around all day you might consider asking someone you trust to cover you in leaves or branches or blankets that look like leaves. Last thing you want is for some gun-toting hillbilly to find you lazing around. Chances are pretty good he’ll shoot your face off and not even feel bad about it. Life is tough. Just do it. (I’m trying to remember the Gatorade slogan. Seems applicable.) Dangit, I’m drawing a blank.

Alright. Feels like I should close this awesome letter (sarcasm!) with saying, “Love, Turkey.” But we’ve actually never met. And I don’t see you walking your back 40 anytime soon. So...

Casually Concerned But Open To Deeper Feelings Someday,
-Turkey

Held Down By The Man

2010-12-06T10:25:00.002-05:00

First they outlaw 4loko. Now they arrest Bearcat for a little winter gaiety. Next thing you know they're gonna start deporting straight A students who want to go to college and serve in the military. Laws are weird.

Um....

2010-12-03T08:44:00.003-05:00

The internet showed me a photo more confusing than the pee stain photo I took a few days ago.

Bad Aim

2010-12-01T21:03:00.001-05:00

Firstly, this isn’t my pee splatter stain. I have to pee sitting down. House rules. Just kidding. I pee outside. Man rules. Just kidding. Quit asking me about where and how I pee. That’s none of your business. The point is, this happened. Someone peed on top of the urinal. I have a few guesses how this happened...

1. A distracted giant.
2. A blind giant.
3. A kid playing swords on a ladder.
4. A super poor graffiti artist.
5. A rotten hound named Lola snuck out of our house, dodged lots of traffic and claimed this urinal.
5. A drunk giant talking to his blind twin brother.
6. An abstract pee painter.
7. A humming bird with human-sized bladder.

(do humming birds pee? serious question)

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Scariest Photo Ever?

2010-11-27T17:55:00.003-05:00

Is it just me, or is Tracksuit Ronald extremely terrifying? He's so laid back and casual. He looks like he lives in a carpeted van and eats gas station hotdogs for dinner every night. I kind of want to turn him into a photoshop meme (much like the Sad Keanu post below). If you want to join me, send me your new, photoshopped Tracksuit Ronald pic(s) and I'll post them here. Until then, try and keep this sly fitness clown out of your nightdreams.

Sad Keanu

2010-11-22T16:58:00.001-05:00

Have you seen the Sad Keanu photoshop meme floating around the internets? Here’s the original photo.
He looks so sad it almost hurts your heart.

Then internetters with photoshop turn Sad Keanu into digital treats for us to enjoy. Here’s a few of my favorites.

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"Ensemble: The Style of Music" poster series

2010-11-18T08:36:00.002-05:00

EveryGuyed.com presents ‘Ensemble: The Style of Music’ a series of posters featuring Iconic Outfits from 20 Male Musicians. Designed by Glenn Michael of Moxy Creative House, and illustrated by James Alexander the prints are available here.

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Hawaii post 5 (I think?)

2010-11-15T10:27:00.001-05:00

Wanna see more Hawaii photos? No? You’re sick of them? You were sick of them a long time ago? Oh. Sorry to hear that....here’s some more Hawaii photos...

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Fear Not

2010-11-11T18:55:00.004-05:00

If you're in Cincinnati the next few weekends pop on over to Vineyard Cincinnati. It'll be like going to a Smithsonian exhibit. Only way closer and with more singing. And free coffee.

Stage in progress...

Wright Flyer

2010-11-10T22:44:00.004-05:00

I asked Greg Dean if he could build a Wright Bros Flyer in two weeks time. He replied, "Does it have to fly? Because that may take a little longer."

Here's a photo before the wings get their covers. Cindy Dean is the wing fabric specialist. The Deans are the best partners a guy could ask for. I'm a lucky dude.

Wait till it's all finished. My buddies Mark and Lay, two of Cincinnati's top artists, are doing two murals on the walls. It's gonna be awesome. We start a new series this weekend that's about tackling the fears that hold us down and keep us from setting off an adventure of a lifetime.

French Mr. Rogers Video

2010-11-10T14:47:00.003-05:00

If you liked those old Mr. Rogers videos where he visited factories, and you also like French accents, nice music and flax, you're gonna love this little documentary.

Potassium Cat

2010-11-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

Mega weird.

Vulnerability

2010-11-04T12:12:00.003-05:00

Thanks to Deputy Hutchinson for sharing this video with me. I know that I frequently encourage you to waste time watching screwball videos that I post on this little weblog. This video is the opposite of that. It is seriously worth carving out 20 minutes in your day to take this in. There is so much to chew on in here that I'm gonna watch it again over the weekend and take notes.

The Good Idea Engine

2010-11-03T22:34:00.002-05:00

Thanks to Sven Sallquist for finding this one...

Flag Corps

2010-11-02T12:07:00.002-05:00

I don’t want to rant, or be mean, or come off as a jerk....but am I the only one who doesn’t understand flag corps? How did that ever get started? Did a band conductor look out at his fleet one day and decide something was missing? Did he survey his instrument army playing and marching in perfect harmony and think, “You know what I need?....A bunch of ladies in small, sparkly outfits waving flags. But they must suck. I want them to do routines that are super awkward and out of sync. If they manage to wave their flags in unison even once I’ll be angry. Oh! And I want their flags to never match the team colors. Give me shimmery golds and other random hues. Yes. A mess of confusion is what my band of precision needs.”

So yeah, I just don’t understand flag corps. But what I reeeeeeeally don’t understand is a flag corps taking the field and having one of its flaggers unable to flag. It happened this Saturday at Nippert Field. My brain melted. Check out the girl on the 42 yard line. What you can’t see is that her arm is in a giant cast.

Yet she’s out there.

Flagless.

What universe does this make sense? She has one job and one job only- wave a flag. Seems like you don’t take field if you can’t do your one and only job. Right? If the trumpet player’s lips fell off, surely he wouldn’t still go out there and march around. And it seems silly to even point out that injured football players don’t still go on the field and play.

Am I the only one who finds this insane? If so, someone help me understand.

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IMG_0715.MOV (1700 KB)

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Bearcat vs. Pumpkin

2010-11-02T07:24:00.003-05:00

Every time I see what a bearcat actually looks and acts like, I am ashamed. No need for anyone to comment about this weekend's game. It wasn't good. Let's focus on what's important. Notre Dame lost in glorious fashion.

Hawaii post #3

2010-10-30T14:23:00.002-05:00

I was inspired by Hawaii’s giant bonsai trees.

This Might Take Awhile

2010-10-28T11:08:00.002-05:00

It's taken 25 minutes to count this many. Only $450 to go....

editor's note: they kicked me out after $81.12. they weren't too happy with my cart load of Abrahams.

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0708.MOV (1622 KB)

Hawaii post #2

2010-10-27T08:15:00.004-05:00

A few more pics from vacation.

After the surfing lesson I took a bath with Speedy Gonzales. Not too shabby being able to stare out at the ocean while you soak. Then Steve came over with dinner, a red snapper. He cleaned the fish and told me to give the guts to the crabs. I held a funeral ceremony on the cliffs. Leah had a drink. Steve made an amazing spread, he made us let him have the head (we didn't argue) and Pono fell asleep. Adults are boring.

The next day we went to the volcanoes, walked through lava tubes and went to Aunty Cindy's place to partake another masterful dinner by Steve. We also had my new favorite thing, poke. It's cut up pieces of raw fish. I'm certain I now have mercury poison from all the ahi I consumed.

The next day we went to Waipio Valley. Hands down the most amazing place I've ever been. Wild horses just waltzing around down in this secluded paradise. You have to have four-wheel drive to make it down the death-defying hill. I did the boogie boarding with Steve and Pono. Much easier than surfing. We finished up the day driving up the mountain to watch the sun set into the clouds.

Hawaii post #1

2010-10-25T09:41:00.005-05:00

Two important things to know about Hawaii:

1. It lives up to the hype tenfold. I’ve heard how great Hawaii is from Leah’s family since the late 90s. Maybe you have that person in your life. The one who is all, “Hawaii this and Hawaii that.” And you’re all, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Well, I promise, it’s about a million times better than any hype-monger will ever monger. Go there as soon as possible. It will change your life. No joke.

2. No matter what you’ve heard, using US dollars there is suuuuuuuper easy. You don’t have to mess with conversion rates or awkwardly shaped coins. Just straight up greenbacks. (I drove Leah crazy with that hilarious joke.)

So, I’m not sure how to go about talking about this trip. I’ll just share some pics. And tell you to go Leah’s blog. She’ll do a much better job than me.

We went to Pearl Harbor. Did you know that there’s still oil bubbling up from that day? I guess they refilled all the tanks right before the attack. More than anything else there, seeing that oil really struck a chord with me.

We went to Waikiki Beach (down the road from Honolulu). We saw Duke (the five-time Olympic medalist in swimming and grandfather of surfing) and ate at his restaurant. I had a fruity drink. Leah questioned my manhood. I ignored her and ate my pineapple garnish.

We left Oahu for the Big Island. Leah’s aunts Cindy and Adele greeted us with leis. The next morning we woke up and had breakfast on the lava cliffs in our backyard. I was sleepy. The sun rose up from the ocean. Fruit flies rose up from the lava.

That day Cindy took us around the island. I drove. In a Mustang convertible. Best decision ever upgrading to that bad boy. It’s like being the captain of a rollercoaster.

The next day we drove through mango groves for surf lessons from Steve (uncle) and Pono (cousin). I stood up for 1.5 seconds. Surfing is hands down the hardest sport I’ve ever tried. We then popped over to Steve’s co-worker’s beach house for some snorkeling in their pond. It’s naturally heated by lava tubes.

Alright. That’s enough for today. I have to go get a new TV remote from Time Warner. Lola ate ours while we were away. If you’re not too bored I’ll share some more pics later in the week. Aloha.

Aloha Means Goodbye

2010-10-12T21:38:00.002-05:00

I have bad news for the internet. Dare I say epic tragic bad news. I'm unplugging for ten days. I'm going rogue. Off the grid. Amish style. Leah and I will be in Hawaii until October 23rd. I'm going to unlearn digital connectivity and go 100% analog. I'm leaving my phone and computer on the mainland. I know what you're thinking. How will you survive without me? Two words. Tuba Wolf. While I'm away, robbing you of my connectedness, I hope this award winning dance video provides you with some level of solace.

Happy Lil' Video

2010-10-12T11:08:00.000-05:00

We Built a Fort

2010-10-11T09:08:00.006-05:00

Welp. We did it. We made a feature film. It's kind of hard to believe that it's over. I feel a little like I did after my (and Leah's) wedding. Months and months and months of planning and then boom...it's done. Am I the only one who expects the thing you plan for to last as long as the planning? I'm not sure how to really process the experience. It's going to take months I think. But I want to attempt a quick reflective thought.

For me, making a movie felt like building a childhood fort in the woods. It was hard work full of challenges, missteps, hurdles and conflict, but every day I woke up excited to march out through the wet grass and keep building. We had a common goal, a purpose, a mission with a deadline. We had goals to hit hour by hour in order to accomplish a day's work. But it didn't feel like work. It felt like a group of friends, collaborators, builders all pooling their talents and resources to create something together. And honestly, our motivation was purely that. Sure we hope the movie will be good and find its way into theaters or DVD players. But the real reason we spent 12 hours a day working our tails off was because it's a magical thing to collaborate. We were building a fort together in the middle of a tall forest, completely lost in a project.

Cah Wash

2010-10-08T15:26:00.001-05:00

Indie movie making tip #2: write scenes that benefit you personally. I needed a car wash, so...

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Paper, Rock, Chainsaw

2010-09-30T10:48:00.001-05:00

Indie movie making tip #1:
When these guys roll up next door as you begin a scene, a $20 handshake and muffins beats chainsaw.

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Shit Happens

2010-09-25T07:54:00.005-05:00

(FYI, this post requires the use of a bad word or two)

Miss Jackson is a cute dog and I'd say relatively polite. She likes tennis balls, swimming and taking dumps in people's yards.

The other day we took her and the hound for a walk. Miss J got so excited she dumped in our yard before we even left. So off we went, walkin' and talkin'. Sunshine was shining, cool breeze was breezing. Miss Jackson took her 2nd #2 in some nice person's yard. Not to be gross, but Miss J's poop sequels are always soft, sloppy affairs. It's like picking up toxic mashed potatoes. We always bring Kroger bags for this dirty work. I didn't realize I brought one with a giant hole. So you can guess what happened when I wrapped my hand around her pile of steampunk.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

All over my hand. So I tried to wipe it off in the grass but the grass was dead. So all it did was push it around my fingers and hand. Green mashed potatoes were all over my hand and I didn't know what to do. So I ran across the street with the poop hanging out the bottom of the bag. I saw a blue newspaper bag with those advertisements that nobody keeps. I shoved that shit inside and felt proud. Like I put a fire out. Then Leah said, "Brad, what if that's somebody's paper?" I assured it wasn't as I looked down and saw the headline NEW YORK TIMES.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.

I smeared dog shit all over my neighbor's NY Times. The paper he or she probably only gets on the weekends. I imagined the ritual. The anticipation of walking down the driveway with a fresh coffee anxious to find out what Bloomberg did this week. I literally shit on that ritual.

I ran over to Leah, who by this time was abandoning me. "I'll just meet you at home, Brad," she said practically running way. I was all, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. And she was all, I DON'T KNOW YOU. So I ran back to the paper thinking it may not be that bad. Maybe it somehow didn't get on the actual paper.

It did. Sloppy taters were headline news.

So I took the paper and threw it in the guy's trash. And then caught up with my turncoat wife. When we got home I jumped in the car and drove around to all the area gas stations and drive thrus. Nobody sells the NY Times. Eventually I found it at Barnes and Noble. They didn't have any blue newspaper bags. Just big bags with their lousy name on it. So when that neighbor found his NY Times on his porch in a Barnes and Noble bag he must've been awfully confused.

If you're reading this blog, neighbor....my bad. I shouldn't have smeared dog shit on your New York Times. That was regrettable.

Haters Gonna Hate

2010-09-22T17:14:00.002-05:00

This post is for all the haters.

Monday I went and saw my friend, Kim.

She owns Kim Harper Salon & Spa in Mason.

This place is fancy. They give you teas and coffees and magazines and robes while you wait for your hair to change colors. I didn’t partake of that. I was whisked into a room where they shampoo your hair for you. Wow. Someday, when I’m a Persian Prince I’m going to employ a hair washer. It’s so much better than washing your own.

After this, Kim cut my hair. She told me something that I want all you haters to hear. She said it’s a crime that I shaved my head all those years. She said I have great hair. She said I could be a Persian Prince. (not really. and I’m not sure where this prince stuff is coming from. maybe ‘cause Kim’s salon made me feel so royally fancy.)

Here’s me before the hair cut.

Here’s me a few days after getting it cut:

My friend Donna said I look less like a bobble head now. Thanks? Obviously I still look like a fuzzy bowling ball. Nothing’ll change that. My looks aren’t the real the point of this post. The real point is how great Kim is. She’s full of positive spunk that leaves you feeling like a million dollhairs. (wordplay!)

If you have hair go to her salon. She and her crew will make you feel special. And smell nice.

50,000 pennies video

2010-09-16T10:50:00.001-05:00

We're shooting a video with a whole mess of pennies. Wanna be in it? If so, come to the Healing Center parking lot on Monday the 20th, 4-6pm. Bring your friends, kids, dogs, piglets. It'll be a good time and your face may end up on screen at our 25th anniversary celebration at the Cintas Center on October 3rd. No acting ability necessary. We won't ask you to do anything except smile. And hold one of these pennies. And then eventually give it back. See you on Monday!

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Dumby

2010-09-14T08:27:00.001-05:00

If the proof wasn't in the "pudding" I accidentally dropped in the wrong powder room. Then I really did it this time.

Saturday morning I was upstairs doing a couple honey-dos before going to Nippert Stadium for the Cats' opener. I had Pandora playing on my iPhone in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. The office door was closed so I did what every total moron would do. I freed up my left hand by balancing the iPhone on top of the coffee mug. When I reached for the door knob...

Sploosh. iCreamer.

I yelped. Like a scared granny. I pulled my soaking phone out of the mug. Pandora was no longer playing. I ran downstairs and got online to find out what to do. Step one: Don't turn it on. Step two: Don't turn it on. Step three: Shake it dry.

So I started shaking it real good. And....accidentally broke the first two rules. I hit the power button, it turned on and fizzled off. I am seriously so dumb.

After 36 hours of drying in a bowl of rice (internet suggested), I drove to the Apple store on Monday. While in the mall parking lot I finished up a call on my loaner phone. I went into the store, failed at garnering enough sympathy to give me a free phone, and left with my iPaperweight.

I reached into my pockets for my car keys and they're weren't there. I left them in the ignition. I walked to the parking lot quite certain that my Jeep would be stolen. I had a vision of Letterman having me on his show for a segment called "Dumbest Dumdums Ever." He'd say, "So Brad, hee hee hee, you dropped your iPhone in your coffee mug, hee hee hee, and then when you went to get it fixed you left your keys in the ignition and your car got stolen?" I'd shake my head yes. Then that bald canadian would sing "It's Raining Dumb." I'd leave shamed.

Luckily, I still have my Jeep. No thieves in Kenwood that morning. And I still have my dead iPhone. What I don't have is a good feeling about my brain. It seems stupider as of late. I guess I blame the sugardiabetuss. (but not really)

Kingdom Wonderment

2010-09-10T06:26:00.005-05:00

This post is about wonderment. I know you're expecting some amazing video. But I'm sorry. I'm gonna wax nostalgic for a hot minute.

I have foggy clear memories of walking some Florida beach at sunrise with my dad. I was just a little pup and still easily convinced to wake up early. We'd search for shells while that warm, yellow sun burped up out of that vast sea of, well....sea. All those shells scattered about, carried in from who knows where during the night. It made you think. There was a whole different world out there under that wave machine. I couldn't see it, really. But the colorful little bits I picked up and showed my dad was proof. There was most definitely something remarkable, something big, something mysterious out there.

This morning, I was reading this version of the Bible. Jesus (arrested), said this to Pilate.

"My kingdom isn't a geographical area, with counties and borders. If it were, my people would start a war rather than see me turned in so easily. No, my kingdom is totally other."

These words give me that same sense of wonderment I had as a tiny shell hunter. There's something out there. Something "totally other." It's an upside-down kingdom that I can't see entirely. But there are hints. Colorful bits. Proof that makes me want to wake up early and go looking for it.

Upcoming Film Project

2010-09-09T07:21:00.007-05:00

We're gonna make a movie this fall (September 27-October 9) and if you're into that sort of thing, there's probably a way you can help. First, what's the film about?

I'm glad you asked.

It's about a one-armed, lion-tamer named Gus who hates crime.

It's about a teenager who never gets the girls. But then he finds out he's a werewolf who's really good at basketball and dancing and boom- human girl magnet.

It's about a pigeon.

Sorry. Here's the actual synopsis.

FENCES

Josh, a young white social worker, moves into a predominately African American neighborhood in Cincinnati. His next-door neighbor is George, a recently retired African American who doesn’t exactly welcome Josh into the neighborhood.

Over the course of one day, through a series of misinterpreted events, both Josh and George learn that in order to really become neighbors they are going to have to do the hard work of getting to know each other. Blurring (and sometimes crossing) the lines of racism and prejudice, both men discover that the real healing will only come in time…one genuine conversation at a time.

This movie is what they call a No-Budget film. We've been hustling the streets, begging, borrowing and stealing to get this sucker off the ground. We're making progress. But still need help.

We need people who can make a meal for a cast and crew of 15-20 hard working people. Or if you know a restaurant owner who could do the same...

We need boxes of energy-boosting snacks and drinks (granola bars, fruit snacks, fun-sized things, etc)

We need to talk to the owner/manager of the following places for locations:
Hotel
Convenience store (just need the exterior)
Gas station (exterior and a bathroom)
Car Wash
Suburban house with a patio room (or room with LOTS of windows) and laundry room

We need people who'd be willing to look thru a website listing all the props we need and loan/give us said props. (that website will hopefully be up next week)

We need someone who'd be willing to loan us a car for the out of town actors to use on their off days.

We need prayer. Lots of it. Excessive amounts of it.

We need doppler 5 to promise us there'll be no rain.

If you can help with any of these things, please email us at: film@vineyardcincinnati.com. Put what you can help with in the subject line.

Clarke + Orwig

2010-09-08T07:08:00.010-05:00

Stuff I saw at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding:

Boobs. Yep. 50 year old floppers to be more exact. We were getting our pictures taken outside the hotel and some lady thought windows only work one way. She stood inches from the glass and watched us pose on church steps as she put her bra on. Five guys all at once said, "Did we just see....? Were those....?"

Doubt. As always, mothers of the bride never believe I can legally officiate their daughter's wedding. I've done three now and each time they've asked: "So you're sure you can legally do this...?"

Cry babies. Everywhere I looked people were crying. I had to dig deep to not join the tear party as Jana walked down the aisle. Not only because was she beautiful and smiling with a reckless abandon that made you dizzy with shared joy. But behind me were over 20 guys and gals doing that laugh/cry thing. And then beside me was Justin doing his best to ignore the tiny creek streaming down his cheek.

Am I a rapper?

Haters. I saw (and heard) a shocking number of people who truly hate my hair. I was seriously told the following things:

You look like a lesbian.
Take your wig off.
You look like you're wearing a bad piece.
Did Jana ask you to cut your hair? 'Cause that's a deal breaker.
You were so cute with a shaved head.
You look like John Mayer.
Why are you doing this?
Oh...wow...you have hair.

Embarrassed Aunts. Dr. Dad John Clarke was the best man and in his speech he told the story of when Justin was little and stole his Aunt Patty's maxi-pads and used them as soccer shin guards. When the doctor found them inside his son's socks Justin explained it was no big deal. "She has a whole box of em, dad!" Aunt Patty had never heard that story. She also doesn't love the spotlight and didn't know she and her pads were going to be featured.

N'Sync Redeux. The good doctor heard the DJ spin "Bye Bye Bye," and like a moth to the flame, he got sucked out onto the dance floor for a repeat performance of this infamous dance. It was like riding a bike for the old man and he dazzled the crowd yet again.

Unselfish Happiness. This might be my favorite part of weddings. Everyone was just sooooo happy. For Justin and Jana. I'm guessing the phrase, "I'm so happy for you guys!!!!" got shouted a billion times that night. It feels good to spend an evening being happy for someone else. Throw in a little wine, good food and dancing....hoo boy. Heaven.

I saw heaven this weekend. And it was pretty great.

Tables Confuse The Hound

2010-09-04T09:09:00.001-05:00

Maybe it's her way of conquering her height-deficiency? Video below.

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0604.MOV (3256 KB)

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5-Minute Theory: Justice = Snipe Hunting

2010-09-03T07:14:00.002-05:00

Crank that kitchen timer. I have five minutes to stew my juicy theory.

Wise-ass uncles trick anyone they can with old dodgeries like, "Hey...wanna go snipe hunting?" Then they get you all fired up for chasing the elusive snipe through the woods. Then they laugh in between sips of Budweiser about snipe not being a real thing. Classic.

Our relentless desire for justice is like hunting for snipe. It's silly because we can run through endless woods and we'll never find it. We have a insatiable need for justice. Fairness. When we're kids we're constantly clamoring about something not being fair. As adults we experience jealousy, depression, anger, bitterness, apathy when so and so gets something that we feel they don't deserve. We want things to be right. Every one of us has a tiny Judge Judy living in our stomach who bangs that gavel around when we see or experience something that isn't fair.

Well, life's not fair. It'd be sweet if it was. Just like it'd be sweet if every little kid had a hat made of snipe and mouth full of chewing tobacco. Davey Crocket style.

Man that time went fast. I should consider making it a ten minute theory.

Matchmaker

2010-09-01T07:21:00.003-05:00

I know I'm old fashioned, but I believe every image on the internet has an audio soulmate. Pictures and sound were made for each other. The internet is a hard place for images and sound to meet sometimes. But sometimes love happens. Connection happens. I hooked these two up today. They were once just dust in the wind. Now they're a pair. I'm a matchmaker. I make matches. Find finds. Catch catches. Am I a hero? Probably. But a humble one. Unlike that Captain Sully Turkeyburger.

Baehr-Cat

2010-08-31T07:27:00.004-05:00

Here's how the Bearcat came to be according to legend and UC's information services.

Kentucky was the fifth game of a nine-game schedule in 1914. Throughout four games in September and October, no one had managed to score against the Red & Black. Kentucky was the first real competition for Coach George Little's squad, and the students were eager for a good game.

At this time, the UC team had no real nickname. The teams were known variously as "Varsity," the "Cincinnati Eleven," the "Red & Black" and the coach's "boys," as in "Dana's Boys" or "Little's Boys." Mascots were uncommon among college football teams back then, and UC had no mascot, although a curious bulldog, clad in a "C" sweater and miniature hat, was depicted throughout the athletic sections of the yearbooks.

A new era was born when Kentucky came to town. The Wildcats were a formidable team and UC was struggling. During the second half of the game, cheerleader Norman "Pat" Lyon, building on the efforts of fullback Leonard K. "Teddy" Baehr, created a new chant: "They may be Wildcats, but we have a Baehr-cat on our side."

The crowd took up the cry: "Come on, Baehr-cat!" Cincinnati prevailed, 14-7, and the victory was memorialized in a cartoon published on the front page of the student newspaper, the weekly University News, for Nov. 3. The cartoon, by John "Paddy" Reece, depicted nine vignettes from the game. Front and center is a bedraggled Kentucky Wildcat being chased by a creature labeled "Cincinnati Bear Cats." Reece was certainly inspired by his editor - the same "Pat" Lyon who led the "Baehr-cat" cheer.

Leonard K. "Teddy" Baehr

Farmer Gone Wild

2010-08-30T18:56:00.001-05:00

5-Minute Theory: The Worstest Ever

2010-08-30T08:50:00.001-05:00

Wind up the clock. Here we go.

In the history of the world there has never been anything as bad, terrible, brain-melting horrible as Olive Garden commercials. Not even Hitler. I don't need 4:45 min. to expound. The end.

Food Video with Leah

2010-08-29T19:16:00.002-05:00

I'm a lucky dude.

Mustachioed Baby

2010-08-27T11:37:00.001-05:00

Question: Is this the most amazing video ever made?

Answer: Maybe?

5-Minute Theory: Doubt = The Great Paralyzer

2010-08-27T07:14:00.002-05:00

Put another cinco minutos on the clocko. I'll try not to go over this time.

Every one of us has a tiny demon that's drilled itself down into the depths of our brain. The Doubt Demon. He has a feathered back hair do and thinks he's the Arthur Fonzerlli of demons. I'm wasting time on this stupid description.

Doubt keeps us from doing stuff.

Doubt says: You don't really know what you want to do with your life. You don't really like ______ enough to really pursue it. Pursuing _______ costs too much money. It's impractical.

Doubt says: You're not as smart as Jonjon. You're not as spiritual as Bobbob. You can't read like they do. You'll never get it so why even try?

Doubt says: You're not qualified for _______. You don't have enough experience. People will see through you. They'll know you don't know. You'll get exposed. Then embarrassed. You need to wait. It's too early to take on _________. Take it on someday when you actually have the appropriate experience. You're simply not ready. Sorry.

Doubt says: Meryl Streep done me good.

You say: Hilarious joke, Brad.

Doubt says: They don't really think it was hilarious, Brad. It was a stupid joke. You should stop wasting everyone's time with these mega dumb posts. Where do you get off thinking you have a right to type words into the internet.

I say: Time's up.

Boca

2010-08-25T10:42:00.007-05:00

Last week I had the amazing opportunity to shoot a video with Chef David Falk at Boca, arguably the nicest restaurant in Cincinnati. Seriously, I have the best job in the world. Two things shocked me about this experience.

1. how many people said to me after telling them I went to Boca, "Do you mean Buca Di Beppo?" Wow.
2. how good a grilled salad can be.

A quick story. Back in March I was the officiant for my friends Ryan and Carrie's wedding in NYC.

A month ago, Ryan asked me for a recommendation for the best restaurant in Cincinnati. His sister-in-law was coming to town. So I told him about Nada (also started by Chef David), Honey (in Boca's old digs in the Northside) and Senate (the hip, new kid in town). He pushed me to recommend a place that is top top notch. I told him the obvious choice is Boca. They make brussels sprouts that are so good you want to cry. But it's expensive, I told him. He said it didn't matter. His sis-in-law was a baller.

Fast forward a couple weeks from that conversation and I get (in the mail) a thank you note and a gift card to Boca from the double-crossing lying liar. No trip to Cincy for his in-law sissy. He tricked me, and I love/hate him for it.

So this Friday, Leah and I are heading out to this amazing restaurant on Ryan and Carrie. It's no Buca Di Beppo but I bet it'll do. Woop woop!

Jane Mowery, Will You Dance with Me?

2010-08-24T21:13:00.002-05:00

Jane...this could be our jam at the reception.

"I tip on alligators and little rattle snakers"

via D.Kalbach

5-Minute Theory: Why Stuff Sucks

2010-08-24T06:56:00.002-05:00

Put five minutes on the clock. I have another theory to not flesh out properly.

A lot of stuff sucks. It sucks that people are flipping out about the mosque down near Ground Zero. It sucks that churches are known more for hating people, places and things than loving them. Apathy sucks. Here's my theory of why this is:

Research is Dead.

Nobody does their own homework. We listen to the one guy who wrote a book about Islam who says they're all terrorists and we believe him. We tell people he's trustworthy because he used to be one. He knows. So everything he says about Muslims wanting to kill every non-Muslim must be true. We don't do any real research ourselves. We listen to the Glen Becks and Keith Olbermans and call it a day.

Religion sucks because we just inherit our beliefs and never do the research to figure out if we actually believe it ourselves. We accept our paper thin theology from our parents and do one of two things. 1. We grow apathetic and never really do anything with it besides have vague ideas of what we kind of believe. 2. We pick a few things that stand out and fight for them because in that fight we find at least a little purpose. The death or non-exsistence of personal research creates an ignorant brand of apathy and/or zealotry that leads to awkward late night bar talk or pointless pickets full of misspelled signs and bad group chantings.

I went over by four minutes. Oops. And I still didn't make sense of this un-researched theory. Lame.

Hanson All Grow'd Up

2010-08-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

This song is ridiculously catchy. And over-the-top sunshiney and silly. Weird Al's playing tambo for bopsake. Love it.

5-Minute Theory: Boredom as a Terrorism Hatchery

2010-08-20T07:20:00.002-05:00

Alright. I have this theory. I also have five minutes before I go to work. So rather than wait to explore said theory at a later juncture I'm gonna start the clock, spew nonsense for five minutes and then microwave some quiche.

I believe boredom is the biggest terrorism threat of our time. It happens in the factories where smart people make tons of money doing tasks that bore the absolute hell out of them. That boredom is unbearable most days. Stuck in a place of knowing they hate their job/life but liking that they can afford their pontoon boat and trips to the casino, these folks decide to numb the boredom pain. They experiment with drugs, that turns into an addiction because it's the only thing that trumps the nagging boredom. That addiction trumps their marriage and kids. Families are ruined. The boredom terrorist cell wins again.

I'm running out of time.

Churches get bored because all they do is get together once a week and wear uncomfortable clothes. They start looking for something, anything to do that'll trigger something in their brain. They need some kind of mission, action, adventure because that's what everyone needs/wants. We're hardwired that way. Somewhere, somebody says, "I'm mad about _____. We should fight to protect ______." Boredom leads to action but it's pointless, stupid action that ends up hurting everybody. How does that happen exactly? Not sure. This theory isn't fleshed out.

One minute left.

Marriage gets boring because the couple gains weight, work gets hard but boring, the tv and couch have "must see" tractor beam that dull the boredom. Couples stop talking because they're bored with the same conversation day in day out. The Internet may not be boring. Porn may be fun. An affair may be fun. Or at least new. New is good. We deserve new. We don't deserve to be bored. We work too hard to be bored. Marriage gets ruined. Kids turn into crazed maniacs that join fraternities and haze other maniacs.

My time is up. There you have it. Ungrounded theory with little to no proof. Science.

Albert's Performance Art

2010-08-19T07:15:00.006-05:00

Albert was tired of the games. Tired of the Boxers owned by the Baxters who always made stupid comments when they got walked past his house. Fed up with the irony of the poodles and doodles and other curloodles calling him a freak. Sick of condescending stories about the Iditarod's "don't ask don't tell" policy from Iggie (short for Igloo for godsake), the pretentious poser of a Husky down the street. A statement had to be made. A billboard of sorts. "I'm a big gay dog. Get over it. Lady Gaga 4ever."

Few Thoughts...

2010-08-16T21:24:00.004-05:00

A few thoughts from today:

Dog parks turn awkward when ladies start kicking dogs.

Sometimes the only way to convince a dog it's not ok to murder your dog is to kick it.

Sometimes I'm glad to have black lab who is anti-social and a hound with a relentless desire to escape.

Unlike the soggy squirrel "sleeping" in the street, leaves smell good when they start to die.

My hair is getting pretty close to looking like a hockey player from the 1980s.

Or a member of the Cobra Kai Dojo.

I don't think I'd sweep Daniel's leg just because Sensei said so.

I used to have karate pajamas. With a black belt even.

Poser.

I wish cheesy popcorn would put more cheesy in my belly and less on my fingers.

The Hound can't understand why I don't put cheesy in her belly.

There's a bar in Cincinnati with a Notre Dame and Xavier neon sign hanging in its window.

This makes me entertain terrorist thoughts.

Then I think, WWBED?

What would bald eagles do?

Bob Evans was the real deal.

One of these dogs just farted.

It smells like a soggy "sleeping" skunk.

Firestarters BBQ vids 1 & 2

2010-08-16T08:28:00.003-05:00

I got a pretty good gig. This past week when we weren't eating deep fried wieners we were burning a thighmaster and garden gnome on a grill for a video. Is this real life?

Mess With The Hound and You Get Humped

2010-08-15T15:56:00.001-05:00

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0579.MOV (1771 KB)

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Between Two Ferns

2010-08-14T15:37:00.001-05:00

I love Between Two Ferns. This might be my favorite yet.
(a few choice words in this one)

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Steve Carell from Between Two Ferns

Dog Parks = K9 orgy

2010-08-13T07:27:00.005-05:00

Turns out the Hound is a whore. But a floppy, wholesome, cute kind of whore. We went to the dog park yesterday. First time ever. She went dognanas. Lots of sniffing new dark places. Lots of unprovoked humping by pent up terriers. Lola was like a freshman with a fake ID and a billion dollars in Panama City. She was like Cookie Monster at a midnight rave in the Tollhouse Factory. Garfield at a lasagna orgy. The whole scene was like when the Teletubbies get that feeling. It was like Scrooge McDuck at a Justin Bieber concert. Curve ball. You thought I was gonna say something about a gold coin vault. Watching Lola race around making new friends was a little like watching this crazed demon.

FlameThrower vs. FlameExtinguisher

2010-08-11T09:18:00.001-05:00

A fiery duel between two angry devils.

J.Biebs

2010-08-10T14:42:00.003-05:00

It's like his hair is made of hypnotic tractor beams. I can't look away. Even when he's dancing so awesome I can't stop looking at his brown mane. Why is that?

Justin Bieber - Love Me
Uploaded by UniversalMusicGroup. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Cheerio

2010-08-08T09:57:00.005-05:00

On the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary I found myself in a situation I rarely experience. I was at Big Justy's bachelor party and I was one of the eldest statesmen when it came to marriage. Most of the guys there were either single or newly married. A few guys asked me if I had any advice on marriage. They were drunk. I was caught off guard because I'm the one usually asking this question to my older friends. I thought about it for a bit and my answer ended up being simple.

Be your spouse's biggest fan and cheerleader. So when your spouse works up enough courage to share with you a dream/hope/idea your default response should be, "I love it. How do we make it happen?" Don't jump to conclusions about costs (money, time, inconvenience, sacrifice). Jump to solutions. It takes guts to talk about dreams and hopes out loud. Honor that courage. Be an advocate. There's a surplus of critics.

"How To Be Alone" a poem by Tanya Davis

2010-08-05T20:53:00.003-05:00

I'm not good at reading poetry. It takes me a couple reads to really get it. This video was good the first go around. The second was even better.

My friends are Benja-mins and the Franka-lins

2010-08-05T07:34:00.001-05:00

Do you ever wake up, look out your window, past the ripened fruit, thru the bird-ravaged screen, and see something that gives you the sense that you are the richest bastard to ever live? Doesn't this scene make you want to turn up the Black Eyed Peas, spritz mosquito repellant in the air, and pour champagne all over your hillbilly hound as she swims ten foot laps? You're a dirty liar if you say no.

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Opulence, I has it.

2010-08-04T16:38:00.001-05:00

I loves it.

(via r.c. moore)

Magic Hour

2010-08-04T08:07:00.002-05:00

Drive along a country road thru cornfields and tiny towns at 3pm and you’ll think, “This is cute I guess.” Make the same drive at 8pm in the summertime and you’ll think, “I would buy this painting. I would bottle this dusk-induced nostalgia. I would pay someone to make a movie of when we rode bikes, played baseball, ate popsicles at this same hour, years ago. I would download the country song about this strange feeling I have when the sunlight shines thru the bug carnage on my windshield and fills the Jeep with its heavy warmth.” We may have to suffer through oppressive humidity in the summer, but our reward is the magic hour. Why does this time of day make me feel so strangely good? Am I the only one?

Download now or watch on posterous

video.mov (1865 KB)

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Sneezy Pooh

2010-08-02T19:05:00.005-05:00

Stopher Day sent this my way. Sneezy bears are cute. They're just like us. They sneeze. Then they take naps and dream of lollipops. Yeah right. This video ends right before this coke-head bear murders the videographer looking for more toot. More white pony. More sneeze powder. More yay-yo. This cute little fiend probably went bearnanas when all he inhaled was the cameraman's blood, fat and muscle.

The Day I Officially Became a Reds Fan

2010-07-31T11:14:00.004-05:00

It’s happened. I officially joined Reds Nation. It started yesterday at the Tri-County Mall. Over lunch I went there to scope out my hat options. I found out that the hat I’ve been stalking for years doesn’t fit my huge dome. It looks fine forward but not backward. I almost cried. I decided I would enlist the help of J.P. Tyler, a fellow hat lover, and my wingman to the game that night.

We met at Neon’s downtown. I didn’t take this photo, but wanted to show how sweet the patio is. They have bocce courts as well. So cool.

We walked down to GABP in hopes of scalping tickets. It was sold out, the scalpers thought it was late October and were unwilling to be reasonable. So we went to O’Malley’s for a couple innings.

In the fourth inning we emerged thinking we’d now be in a buyer’s market. Not so. People were still coming to the game, the scalpers were still sillybrains. Eventually we found a guy who came down from $50 each to $20. We felt victorious. The perfect set up for THE DECISION. We went to the team shop at GABP. Tyler helped me with THE DECISION. I’d like to announce...wow, this is hard...I took my hat talents to the official on-field home cap of the Cincinnati Reddies. See how happy I am?

We walked to the gate and I felt for the first time like I belonged to the family. But then we found out we bought used tickets. My new cousin, the ticket scanner, apologized and turned us away. We got scammed, son. So we went looking for the lousy jerk but he wasn’t waiting around for us to come back. I chatted up a few real scalpers and they told me the dude was part of a shady crew who buys people’s tickets as they leave the game and sells them to nice, gentlemanly, good-looking dummies. Honestly, who leaves in the fourth inning?

We went up to Fountain Square to watch the game on the big screen knowing that the MidPoint Music Festival Indie Night was going on. It ended up being sweet. We saw this guy. He was a one man band rocking a motorcycle helmet. He sounded good and he was funny. He kept telling people to buy him liquid applause.

The couple in the video below liked Helmet Head. They were dancing fools. The dude kept tempting his lady with popping off that wifebeater. He’d pull it up his stomach all sloppy and seductively. I think she would’ve liked it. He’d fall into his chair just as you thought he was gonna go for it. Tease.

Download now or watch on posterous

video.mov (2180 KB)

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Luckily, Fountain Square stopped playing the game just as Votto smacked a homer. Instead of having to watch that trash we got to watch some weird music video advertising something. I think? We left and went to The Righteous Room. This is where I first thought I was becoming a Reds fan back in May. So it seemed right for this momentous day. We walked in just in time to see Heisy (I think?) jump up and rob an Atlanta Brave of a homerun. Tyler’s sister, Meghann Tyler happened to show up and we all watched the Reddies lose together. I blame Brian Kelly.

The Similarities of Waterskiing and Collaboration

2010-07-30T07:03:00.008-05:00

(photo by natshaw)

Every time I waterski I am reminded how much I love it. So you'd think I would look to get out and ski whenever I could. I do not. It's easier not to most of the time. It takes a lot of "work" to get to the good part. You have to wake up early in the morning and leave coffee and morning papers behind to lug 30 pound gas cans down a spiderweb covered path. Then you uncover boats and try to convince a cranky, sleepy engine to wake up. All with the end goal of jumping into cold water before the fish even wake up. Despite how wonderful skiing is I can't tell you how many times I've chosen comfort and boredom over the "hard work" of the skiing process. It's just easier to eat buttered toast and read the Dispatch over a warm mug of uppers.

I'm in the middle of working on a new screenplay. The collaboration that goes into writing is one of my favorite things. But it's not easy work. It starts with an idea. Then I talk about that idea with a few people. They either add to it or tell me it's dumb. I'll start writing and when I finish I send it around to a diverse group of readers. Every single one of them has a different take on things. I look for similarities in what they like, hate and if there's connections between their diverse views. This is a process that always always always provides great results and I'll do it with every draft. But I've had to learn to get over myself to go through with it. We all want people to love us and love what we make. So it's terrifying to invite people to tell you they don't. It'd be easier to not involve any other voices but my own in the writing process. But collaboration is where the good stuff happens. I find it thrilling when other people add to "my" idea.

I'm not saying anything new here but that doesn't make it any less true. You gotta carry two heavy ass gas cans a half a mile thru the woods thru cobwebs and stinky mud if you wanna enjoy the good stuff of waterskiing. You gotta trudge through the negative critiques and lose the ego that tells whispers "you don't need anyone" in order to enjoy the good stuff of collaboration. The comfort of doing your own easy thing over toast and a coffee is fine. But fine is boring.

Rain Dance

2010-07-28T07:20:00.002-05:00

Some people spend a rainy day inside watching Maury Povich terrorize picklephobiacs. These dudes dance.

Walkman

2010-07-26T10:03:00.001-05:00

This makes me want to get off my ass and do something.

Behind the scenes (thanks joeshaw) is almost even more interesting.

Bird Bath (dumbest post ever)

2010-07-23T07:44:00.004-05:00

This is my best guess at what song was playing as this sad bird got washed.

Sea Horses

2010-07-22T12:13:00.005-05:00

A bunch of horses were out in a field minding their business when they heard this inspirational song came on their radio. Within seconds they went to the beach as the song instructed. That's the only explanation I see for this picture.

Drunk History Vol. 5 & 6

2010-07-21T07:35:00.003-05:00

Be warned; these genius videos have a few choice actors and handful of choice words. Will Ferrel, Don Cheadle, Zooey Deschanel, John C. Reilly, Crispin Glover.

Go Reddies?

2010-07-19T10:18:00.005-05:00

The World Cup made me realize something I've known for a long time. I really enjoy following stuff with other people. I like the camaraderie and community that happens when you can talk about shared experiences. I don't have much of that (sports-wise) here in the 'Nati. Growing up a Cleveland fan and sensible person makes it impossible for me to root for the TigerPumpkins. I've never disliked the Reddies, I've just never cared. I've been saying for over two years now that I want to like them. And every year I get closer. This spring I went to a game and found myself caring if they won. That was new. A month ago we were at a bar downtown and I found myself cheering for them with the other patrons. That felt pretty good. And now, with the World Cup being over, and the Reds not sucking, I think I'm ready. I need something to fill the camaraderie void in my life. Does that make me a fair weather fan? Probably. But I humbly ask you to recognize/appreciate that I've waited a long time to crossover. Out of respect for the Reds and their fans. It isn't a rash decision. I'm not a total flake. Just half of one.

So, with 97% certainty, this week I plan on purchasing the hat I've had my eyes on for two years and officially catching Reds Fever. I hope you long time fans will accept me.

Is my conversion due in part to this sweet hat? Yes. Probably. At least I'm honest, right?

The Lou

2010-07-16T13:09:00.006-05:00

We rolled into St. Louis Wednesday night to shoot a video with the Dodgers’ Jamey Carroll. He’s the one on the right slapping five. We’re friends with his agent, Jonathan Maurer. Together they have a modern day Jerry MacGuire story. Just two dudes taking a risk to trust each other in the humble beginnings of their careers.

We cased the joint (busch stadium) that night after dinner. That’s Jonathan on the left. On the drive to St. Lou he told us stories that involved Wade Boggs, Dan Quayle, mystic turtles and sea bananas that have seriously changed my life. Someday, if dreams come true, I’ll be sharing animated Wade Boggs short films with you.

My foodie friend, B. Whitmer Hoffmann, told me we had to hit up Pappy’s. He said the ribs changed his life. Hoffy knows smoked meats so I took his recommendation as a mandate. So we went there on Thursday. From the outside it looks meager.

Everything changes when you get inside. It took about 15 min. waiting in line just to get to this point. It smelled like a meat carnival and everyone was giddy with anticipation.

You know it’s good if Willy likes it.

Game-changing, life-changing, soul-lifting, belly-bursting, mouth-watering, brain-melting good. We spent the rest of the day burping up pork smoke which felt like a like an extra, undeserved gift from Pappy himself.

From there we went to Busch. We went down on the field to tape the Dodgers’ practice. Watching Don Mattingly throwing BP was one of the many highlights of this behind-the-scenes day. We taped the interview with Jamey in the Champions Club under the stadium. Around 5pm we got caught sneaking where we weren’t allowed and excused ourselves from the premises to avoid being forced out.

We admired ‘Merica before dinner.

We sat with the Dodgers’ family and did our best to ward off a heat stroke. Such an awesome stadium.

I guess when your town and stadium was built by Heiser Busch you get gravity-defying, outerspace beer technology. Crazy. See the video below.

We left in the fifth inning for the long drive home. Big thanks to Jenny Stambaugh for making us snack bags full of tasty treats. Dried edamame is my new favorite thing. All in all, it was yet another reminder of how road trips are so amazingly good for the soul.

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video.mov (4156 KB)

Underwatermelon

2010-07-14T07:50:00.004-05:00

I see six logical explanations.

1. Mermaid picnic.

2. Hipster parents think bobbin' for apples is so 1920.

3. Dumb kid has never eaten watermelon.

4. Smart kid has eaten it a lot and figured out how to avoid the mess.

5. He's playing Vegan Sharks and winning.

6. The underwater banana feast felt awkward.

"New" Mumford

2010-07-13T15:02:00.001-05:00

These guys render me speechless.

Tyler, this one's for you. Amazing.

I LOVED this movie as a kid and vividly remember how sad this part is.

Nighttimes

2010-07-13T07:14:00.004-05:00

Things that went through my mind last night at 3am when Miss Jackson started half-barking and ran downstairs but then eventually got eerily quiet:

Shut up.
Seriously, I'm tired.
Maybe there's robbers.
Maybe there's robbers who gave her poison-covered treats to shut her up.

I got up, called her, she ran back upstairs, looked at me, then ran back down doing that half-bark thing. So I went to bed and Leah posed a theory that Miss might be dying. Things that went thru my mind before and after grabbing a candlestick (seriously) and going downstairs:

That would suck if she died. I like her.
At least we'd have Lola.
She's long and silly.
There still may be robbers.
Robbers who are super quiet and whose poison treats are so good that Miss went back for more.
I don't have any weapons up here.
I could grab a shampoo bot- don't be ridiculous. Too soft.
Oh look, a candlestick.
Wow, it's kind of heavy.
Please don't be robbers.
Hey, Miss.
You wanna go outside? K.
Stop eating grass.
Seriously. Come back in here.
I feel silly holding this candlestick.

RSVPs Confuse the Hound

2010-07-12T11:48:00.001-05:00

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IMG_0523.MOV (789 KB)

Lola keeps waiting for Miss Jackson to join her for sweet tea and pork knuckles out on The Bistro. Miss J politely declines 100% of the time.

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Tricky Raccoon

2010-07-11T21:00:00.002-05:00

It's pathetic how much this combo cracks me up.

World Cup

2010-07-11T08:52:00.004-05:00

I'm sad the World Cup ends today. I really liked feeling connected to something so big for the past month. I loved the hum of the vuvuzelas. I loved learning and asking questions about something new. I loved how pretty Ronaldo was/is. I love this official anthem and its chorus that I like to over-spiritualize: When I get older, I will be stronger. They'll call me freedom, just like a waving flag. And today, I'm going to love winning five bucks from JBoog when La Furia Roja dominate the Dutch.

The Seven Hills Collection by Leah Wise

2010-07-10T08:54:00.006-05:00

I've long said that my wife is an artist. It comes out thru her food, her fashion, her humor, and her projects. She has sensibilities that are unique and delicious on a variety of levels. So I am quite excited that she's taking her artistry to the streets, internet style. Obviously I'm biased, but already her blog is knocking my socks. I can't wait for her weekly poems about me. For over five years now she's only read them to me every Tuesday night. Now, she'll share them with you, the world. Check her out...

Vuvuzela

2010-07-09T15:02:00.002-05:00

Ordered a couple vuvuzelas for the weekend. I rike my job. Check out my skills.

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video.mov (2308 KB)

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League of Ohio Traitors

2010-07-09T09:35:00.005-05:00

Before I say anything about the evil L.O.T. I need to say what everyone is thinking. The Cavs’ owner, Dan Gilbert, wrote a scathing letter to LeBron on their website IN COMIC SANS and thusly deserves to lose LeBron for that fact alone. I didn’t think it possible to top Bron’s doucheness but Dan-O did it with his choice of typeface. Writing an angry letter in comic sans is like trying to poison a rat with a marshmallow PEEP. It’s like cussin’ someone out in a Pee Wee Herman voice. It’s like stabbing a rapist robber with lollipop. Get it together, Dan. You’re embarrassing yourself.

That said, LeBron joined the evil league of Ohio traitors last night. Did you know that? It was on the television. A few people talked about. On television. I know what you’re thinking... you’re thinking what’s the space man doing in the league of traitors? That’s John Glenn. He left Ohio for outer space. You can’t get further away from this great state than that. And then he went on Dancing w/the Stars and wore silk shirts and made everyone nervous he was going to shatter his gas tank. To borrow a term from my amazing wife, Leah (who may enter the blogworld soon) all these men are ding dongs. Treacherous, traitorous ding dongs.

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Kenny vs. Prince

2010-07-08T09:21:00.003-05:00

Kenny G and Prince are fighting about the Internet. Prince says "It's dead, lover." Kenny says, "You're dead, mother."

Sit

2010-07-07T13:53:00.003-05:00

I’m trying to think how much money I’d spend to actually see this in real life. And I think the answer is $14 kamillion dollars. I also think this old boy’s name is Bob, but everyone calls him Bob-O. And I think he’s carrying luke warm pork chops in that fanny pack. And a Discman with a whale sounds cd in the other satchel. Bob-O spends a lot of time thinking about whales and how he never sees them.

photo via Sven Sallquist

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Foreign Pop Song + Thumb People = Puzzle?

2010-07-06T21:03:00.004-05:00

Catchy song. Worth watching just for the thumb-man at the 1:33 mark. I guess there's a puzzle to figure out thru the whole thing. I'm as good at puzzles as Charles Barkley is at golf; so if you figure it out let me know.

My Hero

2010-07-01T08:35:00.002-05:00

Mid June

2010-06-27T11:31:00.004-05:00

A lot happened this month. Here’s a few photos.

McKinley Marie Wise was born on June 12 and her parents ceremonially cut her arm off with blurry scissors. Traditions are a crazy thing.

On our way to OBX we watched a WVU campfire on rte. 35. West Virginny isn’t lying when they warn/welcome you of their wildness. The trucker lived so it’s ok to make jokes.

We made it to the beach and my hair did funny things.

Look to the right and you’ll see a sad flower girl who got her flowers stolen by a double-fisting, smiley-faced charlatan.

This bartender was super nice.

Jason (bottom left) just DDT’d the ring bearer.

“Steve, what do flies wear on their feet?” I ask.

“I don’t know, Brad.” Steve smiles.

“Shoos.” I say.

Leah attempts to remind Lola that she should stop eating sand. The previous night, Lola celebrated Liz and Steve’s wedding by getting drunk on sand punch. She must’ve imbibed about four pounds worth. At least that’s how much the next day’s sand turds seemed to weigh.

Miss Jackson and Leah play kites.

Lola waits for Leah to look away so she can eat more sand.

The hound doesn’t quite understand fetch.

But she tries hard.

Every day is trash day in OBX. This smelly stroll makes you appreciate the sea air when you make it to the beach. That’s a metaphor I think.

I don’t have any photos of the 13.5 hour drive home. We almost gave the hound to the hills of West Virginia. She travelled about as well as a five-month old terrorist can travel. Rolling into the ‘Nati and getting a pizza from Sorento’s at 9:30pm was sweet. And garlicky. Mama Sorrento isn’t stingy with the garlic.

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Bike Ride

2010-06-25T19:35:00.001-05:00

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IMG_0519.MOV (3060 KB)

Just a lil bike ride in downtown Madeira. Super cool event that my uncle helped organize.

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Art

2010-06-24T16:50:00.001-05:00

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Cincinnati Digital Film Camp

2010-06-23T12:35:00.005-05:00

VCC is holding a 5-day film camp designed for high school students to young adults who are interested in film and video production. You will experience the filmmaking process from script-to-screen. Each team member will have the opportunity to write, direct, produce, shoot, edit, and act in their own short film. Click on the link below for more info and to register by June 27. I know and collaborate with the leaders of the camp and can say with 900% confidence that it'll be a great five days. Check it out!

Digital Film Camp 2010

OBX

2010-06-21T08:18:00.002-05:00

I have a hypothesis. I think a human brain can only handle a certain amount of beauty. So if you live a few blocks from the beach you spend your days watching the sun rise up from the waves every morning. You skip smooth discs of sea glass out toward the dolphins you've named Skip and Louise. Your feet are strong and worn from the miles you've put in up and down the sandy coast. Twelve hours after sunrise you walk to a restaurant and watch the sunset while enjoying raw, slimey stuff and umbrella-protected drinks. Day after day you wear a life that midwesterners can only try on for a week or two every year. Your brain is maxed out with beauty. So you buy insane things and decorate your house with them. You have no clue how ugly the sparkly starfish candles and pelican bookends are because your brain is full of seeing real starfish play hide and seek with real pelicans. The part of your CPU that discerns interior beauty has been fried by nature. You do all
you can to recreate the outdoors in your indoors but you inadvertantly create catastrophic unnatural disasters. It's not your fault. Unless my hypothesis is wrong. Then it's totally your fault and you should stop it.

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Hasta Pasta

2010-06-17T15:18:00.002-05:00

Limes Confuse the Hound

2010-06-16T20:40:00.001-05:00

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IMG_0509.MOV (1811 KB)

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