ND, think twice about Brian Kelly

Dear Notre Dame,

So uh...so you need a coach. We all saw that coming the first time Big Chuck waddled out in those khakis. I'm no expert when it comes to hiring coaches. But I did hear you're using a search committee, so you're clearly open to suggestions. I have a few.

#1. You don't want Brian Kelly 'cause he's all smoke and mirrors. He's Sigfreid and Roy. He's the David Blaine of success. You think he's levitating towards championships and coach of the year awards but really he's just...well, he's winning championships and coach of the year awards. But he's a trickster and a cheater. Check behind the curtain. You'll find a swindler with a sneaky suitcase full of sneaks.

#2. You don't want Brian Kelly 'cause he will bring super dumb kids to your super intelligent halls of education. Only dummies play sports good. Smarties are too busy thinking about debate club practice to run routes well, etc. Brian Kelly wants to poison your school with stupid. He thinks you can't win with your academic standards being so high. The days of genius quarterbacks like Ron Pawlus are gonzo he says. Don't let this remedial coach tarnish your untouchable, remarkable, enviable, out-of-this-worldable image of excellence. Keep that golden dome shiny and smart. Keep the articulate, well-spoken scholars in the locker room. Like it was when Dr. Lou was at the helm.

#3. BK is clearly over doing it with the Whoppers at his namesake. He's practically doubled in size since coming to the Nati. You know firsthand what a Biggie sized coach does to team morale. It's squashes it. Add to that BK's notorious desire for expansion and you have a Stay Puft Marshmallow situation on your hands.

#4. Dr. Lou should come back wearing the #45. Have you seen his pep talks? If yes, then you know what to do. If not, prepare to get pepped up in a big way. I'll design your tshirts for free. The Doctor Is Back In.