"" bshawise: July 2009

Friday, July 31, 2009

Toughest Man To Ever Live

My only guess is that just beyond this rusted bus is something so totally awesome that he's willing to die protecting it. Like a life-size Marilyn Monroe jello mold. Or a whole mess of roman candles.

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Slow Down, Quentin

(note: there are a few choice words in this videos, so...don't say I didn't warn you)

i stumbled upon this guy on susan's blog.

Friday, July 24, 2009


Ole Miss Jackson

Last night I took my trusty dog to the woods and we built a fire. Moments like this are why I got Miss Jackson back in 2002. For whatever reason, having a unflappably loyal companion who lives to be invited was and is something I love quite a bit. Isaac and I shot a video last night and as I drove home I started thinking about ma' dog. We were in a pretty good sized woods, right beside a big pond. Miss Jackson loves to sniff, explore, swim and she's even been known to roll around in poo. We were in her paradise last night. The funny thing is though, she stayed within a five foot radius of me the entire time. If I left the fire to go check out the pond she was right in tow. Same thing when I went back to the fire or to the car to get something. And it's not like she's scared. At one point during the shoot she charged off after a wolf-esque dog on a walk. After a few snaps and whistles she came back and laid down by Isaac's bag.

I don't write all this to brag about how good my screwball dog is. It was just interesting to me that she had free reign in a doggie dreamland, a place where I honestly wanted her to run off and discover the world for awhile, and yet, she was certain that wherever I was going was her best option. Sure those woods may have loads of exotic poo to eat and marinate herself in, but she was more interested in sticking close. That made me feel good (in a healthy way I think). It also made me think about God.

I wonder if God feels "good" when I choose to stick close to him. I wonder what it does for him when my actions prove that I'm certain wherever he's going is my best option. Will he take me to better places as a result of my trust? Will he invite me and include me more often? Will he have confidence to take risks with me that he didn't years ago? I'm not really sure. I'm also not really sure I have that level of trust. Do I really believe that where he's going is better? Do I live to be invited? Did my rubberlegged dog teach me something last night? Indeed she did. She's a good lil' dog.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

People Scare Me

I have a hard time believing stuff like this happens in real life. People are wacky.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Jewish Teaching Story

Truth, naked and cold, had been turned away from every door in the village. Her nakedness frightened the people. When Parable found her she was huddled in a corner, shivering and hungry. Taking pity on her, Parable gathered her up and took her home. There, she dressed Truth in story, warmed her and sent her out again. Clothed in story, Truth knocked again at villagers' doors and was readily welcomed into people's houses. They invited her to eat at their table and warm herself by their fire.

A Jewish Teaching Story
retold in The Story Factor by Annete Simmons

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Future Is Here

Global philanthropists and freethinkers, wiseday boogie productions, have just dropped their newest public service announcement- 3008: Global Burning. When a piece like this is given to the world, there are a few assumptions that'll occur among the masses. I will try an address those here.


1. This must've taken a few thousand hours of work to storyboard this masterpiece.
FACT: We let the story unfold spontaneously. This will shock you, but there was little to no time spent crafting the story.

2. This video is a prophetic piece of journalism.
FACT: We have no idea what 3008 will be like. We're not meteorologists.

3. It must've cost a lot of money to get Hellboy to play the part of Regional Manager of Doom.
FACT: We spent our money where it counted.

4. You must love the planet to create a piece like this.
FACT: We so do. We love her like crazy.

5. I thought styrofoam was safe.
FACT: You're insane.

Friday, July 17, 2009


I've seen some irresponsible things in my life. Like, Ohio parents not hugging their children enough and forcing their sweet, innocent offspring to seek attention in unhealthy, pathetic ways like wearing a Michigan jersey to school on the Friday before the big November game. But this painting is the SINGLE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE thing I've ever seen. Why not have paintings that celebrate poisonous snakes as friendly bellydancers. Or how about a nice oil rendering of cherubic babies playing paddycake on I-75. Bears doing the dosey doe in your living room? This is what you walk past every day? What's next, warnings from Larry Handley and Derrick Beasley that tornadoes are coming over from Kansas for hugs and tea? We might as well teach our kids how to smoke crack. That makes as much sense as teaching them that freaking bears lounge around on Sunday afternoons doing nothing except for an occasional hoe down. I'm at a loss for words.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Coming Soon...

I don't want to stir our extremely-large and ferociously-loyal fan base into a frenzy, but from the guys who brought you TubaWolf, now in association with j.boogie entertainment, comes an expository piece on global burning...the future of global warming. We can only hope that this hard-hitting, super-dramatic look into the future is not a prophetic vision of what's to come. Al Gore save us all.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Creative Soul Food: John Mayer in studio

Watching the creative process unfold for these guys is absolutely fascinating. Much to learn/apply for any creative.

Luck Be A Lady

I hereby declare Leah to be the luckiest woman on Earth. Sure, you're thinking I'm biased and that there are certainly more women deserving of such an honor. I took them into consideration...

Mrs. Brawny wakes up every day beside this man. Lucky, but not luckiest.

Posh gets to watch Becks brush his teeth and make bagels. She's hung around Scary Spice enough to no longer get scared. And I really can't say this enough, she watches Becks eat bagels. SUPER lucky, but again, not luckiest.

Gayle is beyond lucky. She literally farts around with Oprah. Can you imagine? Anyone who's seen/heard Oprah fart is lucky in my book, but not the luckiest.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Cedar Point

It's been nearly a decade since I've been to America's rollercoast. And it's pretty much how I remember it. Sure, there's a bunch of new rides that, like me, have grown bigger and faster over the years. Here's a few things that stood out...

-People's apathy towards chaffing is mind-boggling. A large segment of Cedar Pointers either don't mind or don't think about walking around all day in soaking wet denim. I have no clue how they handle Thunder Canyon's thunder-erosion on their crotch region. I'd let you punch me in the biscuit holes before I'd walk around in sopping blues.

-Lots of women/girls, and I mean LOTS, must get dressed in the dark and accidentally put their little sister's clothes on. I saw lots of butt cheeks and bellybuttons that I wish I hadn't. Maybe there's a severe lack of mirrors. Maybe TOMS can start selling mirrors with the same approach they sell shoes. If we band together, we may just be able to give every needy lady a shiny, new reflection-maker.

-Cotton Candy is the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity.

-People love prizes. I. Mean. Love. Them. The park opens at 10am, and folks are tossing rings and darts trying to win gorillas that are the size of well... REAL freaking gorillas. So they win. And their prize is they get to walk around the rest of the day struggling with their gigantic fuzzy monster.

Or, this happens. One dude spends $26 trying to win a huge, fuzzy basketball. Dude leaves with his fellow gamers, a couple, who carry the prized fuzzball a handful of paces ahead. Dude yells at couple that he wants the ball. Couple says alright. Dude runs after them, falls down doing so. I forgot to mention, Dude has "Dirty White Boy" tattooed on his back. So a fight breaks out. Obviously. A huge fur ball is at stake. DWB gets pretty well pummeled. As does the girl. She catches an accidental jab from her beau. I'm pretty sure she lost a tooth. But they got that ball. So...it's all good.

-Ferris Wheels and Merry-Go-Rounds strike a chord with everyone. They're nostalgia machines.

-The whole experience is not about the rides. It's about shared experiences. The best parts of amusement parks are not the hills and looptyloops. It's talking about and reliving the hills and looptyloops with your friends and family. It's waiting in line and encouraging/making things worse for the one person who's freaked out. It's counting fannypacks, dancing in line, slobbering on the Magnum and sharing elephant ears. The rides are great, but they're just an excuse to share moments with people you love. Sounds sappy, but it's 100% true.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Two Lies and a Truth

For the ten of you who read this blog and nine who didn't guess which statement was true about the Amish, the answer is A. The Amish decorate their house with celery in vases instead of flowers. So next time you graduate or win a race, expect an Amish bouquet from me. It makes sense, really. Flowers you can snack on if someone else gives you peanut butter.

Here's today's Two Lies and a Truth. Good luck, Joe.

A) Popeye has a nephew named Poopeye.

B) Wilford Brimley died last week and nobody paid any attention.

C) San Francisco is considering/taking suggestions for their own, safer version of Pamplona's running with the bulls. One suggestion: rollerblades and german shepherds.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Amish

Over 'Merica's Weekend I saw two things that fascinate me.

1. Eagles. They soar around, belting out this frightening yet inspiring screech.

2. The Amish. I hate to admit it, but I stare at them hoping that somehow, if I stare hard enough, I'll completely understand their way of life. The buggies, the clothes, the riding around barefoot on flatbed carts pulled by sleek horses, the delicious apple fritters. I would spend weeks with them documenting their every move if they'd let me. Web-savvy Amish teen on your rumspringa, if you're reading this, holler at me, we'll work out a documentary or something and make your family rich.

Here are two lies and one truth about the Amish. Guess which is true without using wikipedia or the dewey decimal system.

A) They decorate the house with celery instead of flowers.

B) They can't look their uncles in the eye until they reach the age of 16.

C) Amish women detest parsley because they believe it's lazy.

ps, please don't read this and think I'm disrespecting the Amish. I have the utmost respect and genuine interest in them. If you've left the faith, I would love to speak with you.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Man in the Mirror (by mirror I mean tree)

Wowzer. I don't know about you, but I see Grover. Those Californians better be ready for a mass pilgrimage of desperate Muppet fans invading their home. It could go two ways I guess. J is for jackpot. Or R is for riot.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

BESTOV Mid-Summer 09: Free DJ

Good music can make any gathering better. I just experienced that first hand at Five Guys Burger and Fries with their amazing jukebox/playlist. If you've had a get together of any sort, you know there's always a little pressure when you play your music. Unless you're hyper organized and pay attention to detail, you'll inevitably have that rogue song pop up in a playlist that you tell everyone isn't yours. Or you'll say, "How'd that get in there? I never listen to that." Nothing like some Rob Thomas song to spoil the indie rock mirage you're projecting.

That's why the award for best free DJ goes to Pandora. Take your internet machine, hook it up to your stereo, cue up the appropriate Pandora playlist and boom, you got yourself a super DJ with more songs than the pope. There's a few beauties to this set up.
1. you can pick the vibe and then Pandora plays all kinds of songs that you don't own. Stuff you wished you did and stuff you've never heard before.
2. if Pandora happens to pick a rogue stinker, you blame Pandora. You can honestly pass the buck in this situation.
3. stressed about your snobby friend's impending music judgement? Pandora takes those anxieties upon its broad shoulders and let's you worry about important things like your bean dip and whether your uncle's had two martinis or seven.
4. Pandora is a great DJ, but it doesn't wear expensive headphones all sideways, or have sculpted facial hair, or wear unbuttoned shirts with necklaces, or smell like Cool Water. This is good for the men of the party. For whatever reason, ladies like a man with crooked headphones. They must kick off pheromones that say, "I'm dangerous like Tupac, but sensitive like Stevie. Oh, and I dig on Carly Simon as well, so....why don't we get you out of those clothes."

Download Pandora, use it parties, stop spending money on hipster DJs that steal all your chicks. End this global problem today!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

BESTOV Mid-Summer 09: Trojan Horse

The award for this summer's best trojan horse goes to yoga. All these years I thought this ancient art was a stretch-laden, meditative process that helped you reach enlightenment. I was wrong. It helps you reach exhaustion and makes you fall all over yourself in the process. It's strangely one of the hardest workouts I've ever done. No wonder Madonna is so ripped. I honestly always thought yoga to be lamaze for unpregnant people. Some breathing, stretching, unsensical muttering. So when Leah and I popped the DVD in the player I was expecting a relaxing carpet ride to zen-ville. I was shocked when the lactic acid jumped out this trojan horse and ravaged my shoulders and legs for 90 minutes. All that to say, I really love it. I feel enlightened. Just not in the way I originally expected.