Cedar Point

It's been nearly a decade since I've been to America's rollercoast. And it's pretty much how I remember it. Sure, there's a bunch of new rides that, like me, have grown bigger and faster over the years. Here's a few things that stood out...

-People's apathy towards chaffing is mind-boggling. A large segment of Cedar Pointers either don't mind or don't think about walking around all day in soaking wet denim. I have no clue how they handle Thunder Canyon's thunder-erosion on their crotch region. I'd let you punch me in the biscuit holes before I'd walk around in sopping blues.

-Lots of women/girls, and I mean LOTS, must get dressed in the dark and accidentally put their little sister's clothes on. I saw lots of butt cheeks and bellybuttons that I wish I hadn't. Maybe there's a severe lack of mirrors. Maybe TOMS can start selling mirrors with the same approach they sell shoes. If we band together, we may just be able to give every needy lady a shiny, new reflection-maker.

-Cotton Candy is the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity.

-People love prizes. I. Mean. Love. Them. The park opens at 10am, and folks are tossing rings and darts trying to win gorillas that are the size of well... REAL freaking gorillas. So they win. And their prize is they get to walk around the rest of the day struggling with their gigantic fuzzy monster.

Or, this happens. One dude spends $26 trying to win a huge, fuzzy basketball. Dude leaves with his fellow gamers, a couple, who carry the prized fuzzball a handful of paces ahead. Dude yells at couple that he wants the ball. Couple says alright. Dude runs after them, falls down doing so. I forgot to mention, Dude has "Dirty White Boy" tattooed on his back. So a fight breaks out. Obviously. A huge fur ball is at stake. DWB gets pretty well pummeled. As does the girl. She catches an accidental jab from her beau. I'm pretty sure she lost a tooth. But they got that ball. So...it's all good.

-Ferris Wheels and Merry-Go-Rounds strike a chord with everyone. They're nostalgia machines.

-The whole experience is not about the rides. It's about shared experiences. The best parts of amusement parks are not the hills and looptyloops. It's talking about and reliving the hills and looptyloops with your friends and family. It's waiting in line and encouraging/making things worse for the one person who's freaked out. It's counting fannypacks, dancing in line, slobbering on the Magnum and sharing elephant ears. The rides are great, but they're just an excuse to share moments with people you love. Sounds sappy, but it's 100% true.