"" bshawise: Fox Hunt Fail

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fox Hunt Fail

I think I might be an idiot.

Yesterday I went to a conference in the city of strip malls (Columbus, Ohio). Around 4:45pm I went on a fox hunt. "What's a fox hunt?" you ask. It's a euphemism for going #2 which is a euphemism for a bowel movement. For a couple years now I've been unsuccessful in getting this euphemism to sweep the nation. It works like this if you want to start incorporating it into your BM proclamations.

"I'm going on a fox hunt." You announce.

"What?" Your friend asks.

"Gotta release the houuuuuuuuunds!" You elaborate.

"You're so clever and amazing." Your friend realizes.

(euphemism side note: I'm not so sure I love this euphemism as much as I used to now that I own an actual hound.)

ANYWAYS, back to me being an idiot. I walked around looking for the restroom. They were kind of tucked away around the building. I saw the door to the women's bathroom and kept walking another 50 feet. I saw another door and went in. I had the whole place to myself which is great because I prefer hunting fox in complete privacy. So as I sat there, pondering life's mysteries, someone walked in and sat in the stall beside me. She was having an intense conversation on her cell phone. My inner conversation went like this:

Why is this woman in the...OH, MY, FROG! I'm in the women's bathroom. That's why there were so many stalls in here. Now it makes sense. I gotta get out of the women's restroom before any more women come to the restroom. Can she tell I have men's shoes? Should I lift them up? Can she tell my #2 smells like a dude's? Do dudes' #2s smell different? What if other women come in and I have to walk out and apologize for making their hall-of-stalls smell like male turds? The next session is ending right now, they're coming, you need to hurry up. I wish I could disappear. I could just hide here until night fall. I wish she would hurry up. I'm gonna get arrested. Is she gone? Jump up and look over at the sink area. Ok, yep, she's gone. Run. Wait. Flush. Now run. You're exiting, act cool. Act like you go into women's restrooms all the time. No, that's pervy. Just walk. Walk fast and don't make eye contact with anyone. Just go to your bathroom and wash your hands. It's the one with urinals, idiot. Is anyone looking? I don't know, I'm scared to look up from my dude shoes. Just walllllllk, there's your sign, the one without a women in a dress. You're safe. Exhale, you're safe.

It was a very unpleasant fox hunt yesterday at 4:45pm. Very unpleasant. When I made it into my restroom and saw those beautiful, white capped urinals, I felt like the Von Trapp family crossing over to Switzerland. The urinals were alive with the smell of men-music. (That's a euphemism for #1 which is a euphemism for urine.)

The end.


Wolfenberger said...

If there is such a thing as "the best minute I spent on the internet this week" then reading your blog entry today is it. Self-deprecating, embarassing, euphemism filled poop stories that are true are a no fail way to win that great distinction every time. Ironically the name I am being asked to enter to verify I am a human being before I can post this comment is "Saten" not to be confused with his older brother the Prince of Darkness.

workinprogress said...

another reason why I'm glad you're my friend. I needed that laugh : )

Kande Wilson said...

The only thing that would have made me laugh harder than reading this post would have been meeting you in the restroom. Sorry I missed it!

John Arns said...

this just gave me a much needed belly laugh. and surveillance cameras would have captured a priceless look on your face, i'm sure. hilarious.

Steve Fuller said...