It’s happened. I officially joined Reds Nation. It started yesterday at the Tri-County Mall. Over lunch I went there to scope out my hat options. I found out that the hat I’ve been stalking for years doesn’t fit my huge dome. It looks fine forward but not backward. I almost cried. I decided I would enlist the help of J.P. Tyler, a fellow hat lover, and my wingman to the game that night. We met at Neon’s downtown. I didn’t take this photo, but wanted to show how sweet the patio is. They have bocce courts as well. So cool. We walked down to GABP in hopes of scalping tickets. It was sold out, the scalpers thought it was late October and were unwilling to be reasonable. So we went to O’Malley’s for a couple innings. In the fourth inning we emerged thinking we’d now be in a buyer’s market. Not so. People were still coming to the game, the scalpers were still sillybrains. Eventually we found a guy who came down from $50 each to $20. We felt victorious. The perfect set up for THE DECISION. We went to the team shop at GABP. Tyler helped me with THE DECISION. I’d like to announce...wow, this is hard...I took my hat talents to the official on-field home cap of the Cincinnati Reddies. See how happy I am? We walked to the gate and I felt for the first time like I belonged to the family. But then we found out we bought used tickets. My new cousin, the ticket scanner, apologized and turned us away. We got scammed, son. So we went looking for the lousy jerk but he wasn’t waiting around for us to come back. I chatted up a few real scalpers and they told me the dude was part of a shady crew who buys people’s tickets as they leave the game and sells them to nice, gentlemanly, good-looking dummies. Honestly, who leaves in the fourth inning? We went up to Fountain Square to watch the game on the big screen knowing that the MidPoint Music Festival Indie Night was going on. It ended up being sweet. We saw this guy. He was a one man band rocking a motorcycle helmet. He sounded good and he was funny. He kept telling people to buy him liquid applause. The couple in the video below liked Helmet Head. They were dancing fools. The dude kept tempting his lady with popping off that wifebeater. He’d pull it up his stomach all sloppy and seductively. I think she would’ve liked it. He’d fall into his chair just as you thought he was gonna go for it. Tease.
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