"" bshawise: Vacation Lessons

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Vacation Lessons

Lessons learned on vacation:

Don't get a LAND and SEA passport card. Get the real kind. Otherwise the AIRlines won't give you the AIR ticket you paid for. And you'll have to watch your friends leave for paradise while you figure out what you're gonna do for a week in the Heartland. (this happened to three people the morning we left)

We naturally gravitate towards a routine of some kind even in new environments.

Sunshine devours stress. Tequila helps too.

Sunshine and tequila make people buy silly (regrettable) things like pink straw cowboy hats and shirts that say, "I Love To Fart- Cancun." I saw lots of people in the airport going home who were wearing things that'll end up in Goodwills across America.

American males are either embarrassed of and/or stingy with their upper thighs. Every other nationality is not. They share them freely with the world.

People LOVE omelets. Every morning there were long lines of hungry tourists staring at the omelet man.

Birds are impatient for humans to wake up. Maybe they're bored? Maybe they're ready to eat our dropped crumbs and morsels? Regardless, they shout A LOT in the morning and ruin the peaceful song the ocean + shore are trying to hum.

Germans LOVE dominos. These two old men played them for five hours straight everyday. I guess it's not fair to stereotype all Germans as domino-lovers. Sorry, Germans.

Lots and lots of people are unhappy with their skin color/shade. They invest lots of time and money (nice smelling oils aren't free) trying to change color.

Head scarves and giant sunglasses can make almost any woman look fabulous (in a hot pirate kind of way).

It's fun to guess what people do for a living when they're wearing swimsuits. I saw one guy who is either CIA or a battery salesman.

Married couples should figure out how to have vacation sex at home. If you're married and don't know what vacation sex is you need to go on vacation. Now.

Firemen are called Bomberos in Mexico. America should take note and institute a name change.

I have the same shoes as a breakdancing jujitsu drummer dude. This makes me strangely happy.

When you take a break from your cellphone, wallet, shoes, socks, watch, laptop you realize what a load those things are both literally and figuratively when you put them back "on."

Sunshine should come visit us here in Ohio more often. We're good people. We're polite. We like Vitamin D as much as anyone else. What the heck, Sunshine? Why you such a hater?

All inclusive vacations are fun. For 4.5 days. After that I think you'd start feeling like those carp in tiny concrete ponds.

It's good to be home. Dorothy was onto something. The view of Cincinnati from Kentucky softens the gray blow. Maybe that's why they put the airport out in the middle Bluegrass Nowhere.

8 comments:

Steve Fuller said...

I can't believe you mentioned sex. Don't you work at a church?

bshawise said...

i also mentioned carp.

John Arns said...

regarding upper thighs -- did the women share them freely ?

Hey said...

Were those upper thighs on French
guys?

j steg said...

I love playing dominos and I am of german decent. I guess I fit the profile.

bshawise said...

john, not sure. i didn't see any other females on the beach except leah.

Hey, saw lots of french thighs (see what i did there?).

j.steg, will you teach me how to play sometime? i was actually going to ask the old dudes before realizing they only spoke german.

sarah said...

I could not agree more on the 4.5 day limit on all-inclusives. by day 7, I almost went out of my mind.

j steg said...

I'll teach you anytime. We could play while listening to Kind of Blue, then everyone will think we are old timers.

I actually learned how to play from a bum at the old bw3's on short vine in clifton.