"" bshawise: Dear Notre Dame

Monday, September 7, 2009

Dear Notre Dame

Dear Notre Dame,

First of all, you're a bunch of turds. You know that deep down. But let's not focus on the negative facts. Let's focus on the positive facts. Like how super awesome your head coach is. I'm no expert, and I'm not going to tell you how to do your job, but I think step one you should sign Chuck to a lifetime contract. Step two, install a treadmill in his office and implement a strict fast food ban so he can live for another 20 years. I know this suggestion may seem like a contradictory statement for me. But I know when to eat humble pie. I had Chuck all wrong. He's seriously super awesome. He coached for Bill Belichick. He won a Super Bowl. That clearly justifies hiring him. So...just keep him. Forever.

Sure you may have seen the Bearcats dismantle Rutgers today and thought, "Hmmm, that Brian Kelly sure seems like a super awesome coach." Stop right there. He's no Chuck Weis. Brian Kelly is a flash in the pan. We'll do the whole nation a favor and keep the loser around for the rest of his life. We Bearcats are self-sacrificing.

I know you're thinking, "But, Brad. Brian Kelly's offense is unstoppable." Um. Two words. Knute Rockne. His ghost will haunt your campus if you try and run Kelly's mambypamby commi ball. Stick with Chuck because of another two words. Super Bowl.

You're also probably thinking, "But, Brad. BK's players sure seem like stand up guys. We saw tons of them with Bible verses scribbled on their arms and eye-black thingys. We're a Catholic school. We love that kind of crap." Uh. Not so fast. The last thing you want is a bunch of Sunday school, goody two-shoes. Hard-nosed jerks who cuss like sailors (Lou Holtz) win championships. Let the sharpie tattooed Nancies like Tim Tebow go hug babies in the Philipines. Notre Dame is about winning football.

You say you noticed that Brian Kelly turns around every program he takes over? Coincidence. Super freaky, consistent coincidence. And again, I can't emphasize this enough; winning the Big East Championship in your second year doesn't compare to winning a Super Bowl as an assistant coach. Super Bowl rings are so much bigger.

So to summarize. Chuck Weis forever, Brian Kelly never. Thanks. You're welcome for the insights.



10 Gallon Bucket said...

i wouldn't be surprised to see the voters put ND in the top 5 after their monumental win over Nevada saturday.

tyler said...

i wouldn't worry too much. espn or si would have to have a headline on the 'cats for ND to take notice and we all know that'll never happen.

Martin said...

I would gladly take Mr.Kelly in a few years if we dont decide to throw farther than 15 yards down the field. Sorry, I would steal him from you. And by the way Notre Dame should be praised they are the only team that can win a National Championship with a win over Neveda....go get um Chucky Cheese