The Day I Officially Became a Reds Fan

It’s happened. I officially joined Reds Nation. It started yesterday at the Tri-County Mall. Over lunch I went there to scope out my hat options. I found out that the hat I’ve been stalking for years doesn’t fit my huge dome. It looks fine forward but not backward. I almost cried. I decided I would enlist the help of J.P. Tyler, a fellow hat lover, and my wingman to the game that night.

We met at Neon’s downtown. I didn’t take this photo, but wanted to show how sweet the patio is. They have bocce courts as well. So cool.

We walked down to GABP in hopes of scalping tickets. It was sold out, the scalpers thought it was late October and were unwilling to be reasonable. So we went to O’Malley’s for a couple innings.

In the fourth inning we emerged thinking we’d now be in a buyer’s market. Not so. People were still coming to the game, the scalpers were still sillybrains. Eventually we found a guy who came down from $50 each to $20. We felt victorious. The perfect set up for THE DECISION. We went to the team shop at GABP. Tyler helped me with THE DECISION. I’d like to announce...wow, this is hard...I took my hat talents to the official on-field home cap of the Cincinnati Reddies. See how happy I am?

We walked to the gate and I felt for the first time like I belonged to the family. But then we found out we bought used tickets. My new cousin, the ticket scanner, apologized and turned us away. We got scammed, son. So we went looking for the lousy jerk but he wasn’t waiting around for us to come back. I chatted up a few real scalpers and they told me the dude was part of a shady crew who buys people’s tickets as they leave the game and sells them to nice, gentlemanly, good-looking dummies. Honestly, who leaves in the fourth inning?

We went up to Fountain Square to watch the game on the big screen knowing that the MidPoint Music Festival Indie Night was going on. It ended up being sweet. We saw this guy. He was a one man band rocking a motorcycle helmet. He sounded good and he was funny. He kept telling people to buy him liquid applause.

The couple in the video below liked Helmet Head. They were dancing fools. The dude kept tempting his lady with popping off that wifebeater. He’d pull it up his stomach all sloppy and seductively. I think she would’ve liked it. He’d fall into his chair just as you thought he was gonna go for it. Tease.

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Luckily, Fountain Square stopped playing the game just as Votto smacked a homer. Instead of having to watch that trash we got to watch some weird music video advertising something. I think? We left and went to The Righteous Room. This is where I first thought I was becoming a Reds fan back in May. So it seemed right for this momentous day. We walked in just in time to see Heisy (I think?) jump up and rob an Atlanta Brave of a homerun. Tyler’s sister, Meghann Tyler happened to show up and we all watched the Reddies lose together. I blame Brian Kelly.

The Similarities of Waterskiing and Collaboration

(photo by natshaw)

Every time I waterski I am reminded how much I love it. So you'd think I would look to get out and ski whenever I could. I do not. It's easier not to most of the time. It takes a lot of "work" to get to the good part. You have to wake up early in the morning and leave coffee and morning papers behind to lug 30 pound gas cans down a spiderweb covered path. Then you uncover boats and try to convince a cranky, sleepy engine to wake up. All with the end goal of jumping into cold water before the fish even wake up. Despite how wonderful skiing is I can't tell you how many times I've chosen comfort and boredom over the "hard work" of the skiing process. It's just easier to eat buttered toast and read the Dispatch over a warm mug of uppers.

I'm in the middle of working on a new screenplay. The collaboration that goes into writing is one of my favorite things. But it's not easy work. It starts with an idea. Then I talk about that idea with a few people. They either add to it or tell me it's dumb. I'll start writing and when I finish I send it around to a diverse group of readers. Every single one of them has a different take on things. I look for similarities in what they like, hate and if there's connections between their diverse views. This is a process that always always always provides great results and I'll do it with every draft. But I've had to learn to get over myself to go through with it. We all want people to love us and love what we make. So it's terrifying to invite people to tell you they don't. It'd be easier to not involve any other voices but my own in the writing process. But collaboration is where the good stuff happens. I find it thrilling when other people add to "my" idea.

I'm not saying anything new here but that doesn't make it any less true. You gotta carry two heavy ass gas cans a half a mile thru the woods thru cobwebs and stinky mud if you wanna enjoy the good stuff of waterskiing. You gotta trudge through the negative critiques and lose the ego that tells whispers "you don't need anyone" in order to enjoy the good stuff of collaboration. The comfort of doing your own easy thing over toast and a coffee is fine. But fine is boring.

Rain Dance

Some people spend a rainy day inside watching Maury Povich terrorize picklephobiacs. These dudes dance.

Walkman

This makes me want to get off my ass and do something.



Behind the scenes (thanks joeshaw) is almost even more interesting.

Bird Bath (dumbest post ever)

This is my best guess at what song was playing as this sad bird got washed.

Sea Horses

A bunch of horses were out in a field minding their business when they heard this inspirational song came on their radio. Within seconds they went to the beach as the song instructed. That's the only explanation I see for this picture.

Drunk History Vol. 5 & 6

Be warned; these genius videos have a few choice actors and handful of choice words. Will Ferrel, Don Cheadle, Zooey Deschanel, John C. Reilly, Crispin Glover.

Go Reddies?

The World Cup made me realize something I've known for a long time. I really enjoy following stuff with other people. I like the camaraderie and community that happens when you can talk about shared experiences. I don't have much of that (sports-wise) here in the 'Nati. Growing up a Cleveland fan and sensible person makes it impossible for me to root for the TigerPumpkins. I've never disliked the Reddies, I've just never cared. I've been saying for over two years now that I want to like them. And every year I get closer. This spring I went to a game and found myself caring if they won. That was new. A month ago we were at a bar downtown and I found myself cheering for them with the other patrons. That felt pretty good. And now, with the World Cup being over, and the Reds not sucking, I think I'm ready. I need something to fill the camaraderie void in my life. Does that make me a fair weather fan? Probably. But I humbly ask you to recognize/appreciate that I've waited a long time to crossover. Out of respect for the Reds and their fans. It isn't a rash decision. I'm not a total flake. Just half of one.

So, with 97% certainty, this week I plan on purchasing the hat I've had my eyes on for two years and officially catching Reds Fever. I hope you long time fans will accept me.

Is my conversion due in part to this sweet hat? Yes. Probably. At least I'm honest, right?

The Lou

We rolled into St. Louis Wednesday night to shoot a video with the Dodgers’ Jamey Carroll. He’s the one on the right slapping five. We’re friends with his agent, Jonathan Maurer. Together they have a modern day Jerry MacGuire story. Just two dudes taking a risk to trust each other in the humble beginnings of their careers.

We cased the joint (busch stadium) that night after dinner. That’s Jonathan on the left. On the drive to St. Lou he told us stories that involved Wade Boggs, Dan Quayle, mystic turtles and sea bananas that have seriously changed my life. Someday, if dreams come true, I’ll be sharing animated Wade Boggs short films with you.

My foodie friend, B. Whitmer Hoffmann, told me we had to hit up Pappy’s. He said the ribs changed his life. Hoffy knows smoked meats so I took his recommendation as a mandate. So we went there on Thursday. From the outside it looks meager.

Everything changes when you get inside. It took about 15 min. waiting in line just to get to this point. It smelled like a meat carnival and everyone was giddy with anticipation.

You know it’s good if Willy likes it.

Game-changing, life-changing, soul-lifting, belly-bursting, mouth-watering, brain-melting good. We spent the rest of the day burping up pork smoke which felt like a like an extra, undeserved gift from Pappy himself.

From there we went to Busch. We went down on the field to tape the Dodgers’ practice. Watching Don Mattingly throwing BP was one of the many highlights of this behind-the-scenes day. We taped the interview with Jamey in the Champions Club under the stadium. Around 5pm we got caught sneaking where we weren’t allowed and excused ourselves from the premises to avoid being forced out.

We admired ‘Merica before dinner.

We sat with the Dodgers’ family and did our best to ward off a heat stroke. Such an awesome stadium.

I guess when your town and stadium was built by Heiser Busch you get gravity-defying, outerspace beer technology. Crazy. See the video below.

We left in the fifth inning for the long drive home. Big thanks to Jenny Stambaugh for making us snack bags full of tasty treats. Dried edamame is my new favorite thing. All in all, it was yet another reminder of how road trips are so amazingly good for the soul.

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Underwatermelon

I see six logical explanations.

1. Mermaid picnic.

2. Hipster parents think bobbin' for apples is so 1920.

3. Dumb kid has never eaten watermelon.

4. Smart kid has eaten it a lot and figured out how to avoid the mess.

5. He's playing Vegan Sharks and winning.

6. The underwater banana feast felt awkward.

"New" Mumford

These guys render me speechless.



Tyler, this one's for you. Amazing.



I LOVED this movie as a kid and vividly remember how sad this part is.

Nighttimes

Things that went through my mind last night at 3am when Miss Jackson started half-barking and ran downstairs but then eventually got eerily quiet:

Shut up.
Seriously, I'm tired.
Maybe there's robbers.
Maybe there's robbers who gave her poison-covered treats to shut her up.

I got up, called her, she ran back upstairs, looked at me, then ran back down doing that half-bark thing. So I went to bed and Leah posed a theory that Miss might be dying. Things that went thru my mind before and after grabbing a candlestick (seriously) and going downstairs:

That would suck if she died. I like her.
At least we'd have Lola.
She's long and silly.
There still may be robbers.
Robbers who are super quiet and whose poison treats are so good that Miss went back for more.
I don't have any weapons up here.
I could grab a shampoo bot- don't be ridiculous. Too soft.
Oh look, a candlestick.
Wow, it's kind of heavy.
Please don't be robbers.
Hey, Miss.
You wanna go outside? K.
Stop eating grass.
Seriously. Come back in here.
I feel silly holding this candlestick.

RSVPs Confuse the Hound

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Lola keeps waiting for Miss Jackson to join her for sweet tea and pork knuckles out on The Bistro. Miss J politely declines 100% of the time.

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Tricky Raccoon

It's pathetic how much this combo cracks me up.

World Cup

I'm sad the World Cup ends today. I really liked feeling connected to something so big for the past month. I loved the hum of the vuvuzelas. I loved learning and asking questions about something new. I loved how pretty Ronaldo was/is. I love this official anthem and its chorus that I like to over-spiritualize: When I get older, I will be stronger. They'll call me freedom, just like a waving flag. And today, I'm going to love winning five bucks from JBoog when La Furia Roja dominate the Dutch.

The Seven Hills Collection by Leah Wise

I've long said that my wife is an artist. It comes out thru her food, her fashion, her humor, and her projects. She has sensibilities that are unique and delicious on a variety of levels. So I am quite excited that she's taking her artistry to the streets, internet style. Obviously I'm biased, but already her blog is knocking my socks. I can't wait for her weekly poems about me. For over five years now she's only read them to me every Tuesday night. Now, she'll share them with you, the world. Check her out...

Vuvuzela

Ordered a couple vuvuzelas for the weekend. I rike my job. Check out my skills.

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League of Ohio Traitors

Before I say anything about the evil L.O.T. I need to say what everyone is thinking. The Cavs’ owner, Dan Gilbert, wrote a scathing letter to LeBron on their website IN COMIC SANS and thusly deserves to lose LeBron for that fact alone. I didn’t think it possible to top Bron’s doucheness but Dan-O did it with his choice of typeface. Writing an angry letter in comic sans is like trying to poison a rat with a marshmallow PEEP. It’s like cussin’ someone out in a Pee Wee Herman voice. It’s like stabbing a rapist robber with lollipop. Get it together, Dan. You’re embarrassing yourself.

That said, LeBron joined the evil league of Ohio traitors last night. Did you know that? It was on the television. A few people talked about. On television. I know what you’re thinking... you’re thinking what’s the space man doing in the league of traitors? That’s John Glenn. He left Ohio for outer space. You can’t get further away from this great state than that. And then he went on Dancing w/the Stars and wore silk shirts and made everyone nervous he was going to shatter his gas tank. To borrow a term from my amazing wife, Leah (who may enter the blogworld soon) all these men are ding dongs. Treacherous, traitorous ding dongs.

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Kenny vs. Prince

Kenny G and Prince are fighting about the Internet. Prince says "It's dead, lover." Kenny says, "You're dead, mother."

Sit

I’m trying to think how much money I’d spend to actually see this in real life. And I think the answer is $14 kamillion dollars. I also think this old boy’s name is Bob, but everyone calls him Bob-O. And I think he’s carrying luke warm pork chops in that fanny pack. And a Discman with a whale sounds cd in the other satchel. Bob-O spends a lot of time thinking about whales and how he never sees them.

photo via Sven Sallquist

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Foreign Pop Song + Thumb People = Puzzle?

Catchy song. Worth watching just for the thumb-man at the 1:33 mark. I guess there's a puzzle to figure out thru the whole thing. I'm as good at puzzles as Charles Barkley is at golf; so if you figure it out let me know.

My Hero