Batman vs. Shark

Holy sardines.

Captions

Two decades ago I would've sold everything to follow this guy. He could've been that super cool exchange student who came over and changed everything at Krout Elementary. We would've stopped playing mindless games like football and more football and started skateboarding and listening to music that was popular in America eight years earlier.


This swimmin' terrorist is on my watch list. Level orange.


Am I nuts or does the guy in the left corner look like Tom "the yo yo man" Smothers' asian twin?


This photo makes me feel very uneasy. Like any minute something terrible is going to happen. Like these puppies are going to melt into a mochachino or get mauled by a soggy tiger. They're just waaaaaaay too cute to just sit there and continue with their oppressive cuteness. It's like the opening scene of a horror movie that can't afford actors. Some form of ruination is about to befall these poor pups.


It's a door, Jackass. Open it.


The universe can sleep tonight. The peace agreement we've all been waiting for has been reached. Space travel can resume. Cue Stevie Wonder song.

OSU vs. PSU VIP

So my parents are the greatest people alive. They gave Leah and I their tickets to the OSU vs. PSU game on saturday. Those tickets came with field passes. Their friend has a pretty decent inside connection. So an hour before kick off, Leah and I strolled down to the field to watch warm-ups and pre-game revelry. We saw LeBron James with his entourage. Leah was stalking him and mad they didn't meet and become "friends." She has a slight crush. We saw Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, the PSU coach with fire engine red hair, Archie Griffin, football players, band members, recruits and fellow dumbstruck fans. Leah high fived Brutus. She has a slight crush. We cheered as the drum major came sprinting in and led the best damn band in the land down the field. It always blows me away how crazy 105k people go for a marching band. We watched Coach Tress run out with the team in his super fresh white sneaks. Then we watched a killer Big Ten battle, complete with a half time performance of the 1812 Overture with fireworks and Script Ohio. We ate hot dogs and shared a $4 coke. Leah kept me up to date on LeBron's whereabouts on the field. I kept her up to date on various elements of football strateegery. The fourth quarter rolled around and the good guys lost. Leah, however, said she felt "happy" for JoePa. She has a slight crush.

"Fire"

3:15

Things you could do in three hours and 15 minutes:

Travel from the Nati to the armpit of America. Toledo, Ohio.

Crunch your way thru or just watch 8-minute abs 24.375 times and still look chubby..

Marinate various meats in various savory liquids.

Count really high.

Watch Michael Corleone go from apathetic son to vengeful mob boss.

Watch Sugarland and their good friend Beyonce bless the world with a heaven-birthed collaboration 50ish times.

Actually participate the multiple ways one can skin a cat.

Make it through the line at the polls on November 4th?

Watch part of a baseball game.

Help that poor woodchuck chuck wood.

Crack corn with Jimmy and not even care.

Begin your eternal dirt nap after your three hour and 14 minute hike leads you to a bear.

Run 26.2 miles thru the streets of Columbus. That is if you have the fleet feet that my boy JP has. His first ever marathon and he ran 26 CONSECUTIVE miles at a insane pace of 7:28/mile. We saw him at mile 19 in front of my friend Hoffmann's house. He stopped for a couple packets of liquid carbohydrates. He was out of it. It felt a lot like when I tried talking to him at 2am on a Friday night in college. He was totally stoned. Binge jogging. I wished him luck, watched him run off (towards glory) and then went and got myself another piece of bacon and cup of coffee. Watching marathons is exhausting.

Raw Talent

He makes it look so easy....



ps. if you own one of these magical music machines i want to buy it from you. give me a price.

Lobo Adolescente

Ante UP

This video resonates with me I think because Bert and Ernie are dear friends from the past. And on one of our many treks from Boston to NYC (college) Tyler, Elliot, Harbarger and I jammed to this song flying down 2nd Ave. in my GMC Jimmy, windows down pretending to know all the words. An experience I remember quite vividly.

3hings In Common Game

Let's play a game. I just made it up. Like two seconds ago. Swear to gosh.

List three things these two men have in common. (they have roughly 1,056 things in common so no fear that we'll guess them all)

1. they both have perfect vision but are afraid of pokey things.
2. they both hate kenny rogers and everything he stands for.
3. they both can't eat their food without a taste tester. (they're also afraid of poison)

Girl Talk

So on Friday I heard this story on NPR about a mash-up artist named Greg Gillis (stage name: Girl Talk). He just quit his day job as a biomedical research engineer to make music full time. He samples hundreds and hundreds of bits of music and smashes them together into something brand new and beautiful. So as I rummaged the internets looking for more, I found this guy on youtube who takes Girl Talk tracks and matches videos up with them. They are flipping amazing. The art created by these two dudes has simply blown my mind. It makes me want to jump on trampolines and fill the world with cotton candy. Explore and enjoy.

The Buddy System

Found this image on the world wide internets. I think it's Jesus shooting up with a guy who has a lot of vices and is daring enough to pair a skull and candle together as decorations. I can't tell if Jesus is in pain or ecstasy. It kind of looks like Jesus is giving him a back rub AND shooting up. The weirdest part of the whole thing though are the nunchucks hanging on the door handle right under the ghost hand. Maybe the guy is crazy forgetful and this ensures he won't leave home without them? That's like rule #1 for any blackjack-playing, skull-collecting, chain-smoking, main-lining ninja for Jesus. Right?

FIX IT

Oscar Rodgers really does it for me for some reason. I may take his approach in dealing with my staff and volunteers.

Technicolor Yawn

Leah and I have a friend. She will remain nameless for her protection. This friend has a few things in common with these pandas. She's cute. She has the ability to murder but abstains. She likes bamboo. As a plant and building material. Not food. The above pictured pandas have rainbows shooting out their mouths. You're thinking gay rights and this post is about my gay friend. Nope. Some of you are thinking they scream happiness and fill the world with leprechaun bridges and pots of gold. Nope again. Although, this friend is married to a descendent of a league of leprechauns. These pandas, like our friend (we'll call her Fannie because I'm tired of writing "friend") have a button on their body that when pushed automatically causes their mouths to open and share a technicolor yawn of bile with the button-pusher. The button for Fannie lies beneath her absent adam's apple. A trigger zone for throw-up. I honestly don't know how I'm going to resist pushing this liquid-rainbow-button of Fannie's. It's like someone saying, if you squeeze my elbow a peppermint patty appears in my palm. If you pull my finger I will pass gas but by "pass gas" I mean produce cotton candy. Who doesn't want peppermint patties and cotton candy? Puke buttons should be top secret because the world is full of curious people unafraid of a sloppy scream. Invest in a metal turtle neck, Fannie. I can't be trusted.

IllumiNati

During the hurricane power outage I took photos of the fire candles and LED candle we used for illumination. Truth be told, this montage is a mere glimpse into the discotheque that is the Wise household. The circle shapes are Miss Jackson. She ties glow sticks to her tail whenever Madonna encourages her to be a ray of light.

Good Job

Leah just finished accounting. She's half way done with her MBA. Which means she's going to be an even smarter and sassier business woman. But accounting is her dreaded class. I remember her complaining about it in undergrad. You would've thought it was a 7 foot tall, very real and very relentless bully that lived with her for a quarter. Some people hate dentists, tax season, bears, Barack Obama, Raisin Bran. Leah hates accounting. So I am very proud to say GOOD JOB (a la Jason Mraz) because she got an A in the class. She worked her pants off. Hello! And let her calculator know who's boss. She got past something that defeated her in the past. She won. And that deserves a celebratory song.

I'd like to challenge everyone to say, "Good job!" to someone today. I did it a bunch this weekend at work and it felt really great. For me and the receiver. I don't think we don't say "good job" enough to each other. We're awesome at saying it to kids for silly, petty things like trying peas and throwing paint around in the name of art. Let's say it to some adults today. Might be fun. Sing them this song. It's really freaking catchy.

1,000 words about the debate

Cincy Zoo: doping capital of the underworld

Leah (wife) and I went to the zoo on Sunday. The place is a ticking dirty bomb waiting to explode/maul Cincinnati. I'm certain of one thing. Well, two things but the other is unrelated. But I'm certain the zookeepers are doping. They're pumping their caged warriors full of sleep biscuits at least until closing time. Nearly every beast was snoozing, sitting, slothing or slumping. (that last s-word took a few seconds to think up) Seriously, nearly every animal was on nap time or just lazing around. Coincidence or widespread, narcotic-based mind control? It's simple math, people. Bears do all their sleeping at once. Come spring and summer they're like Pauly Shore on a meth bender ready for action. Ready to team up with Brendon Frasier and create havok. Except for at zoos. At zoos, bears are like grandpas stuffed full of turkey and white wine- sleepy and off in a grumpy/racist dreamland. Mark my words, once this drug scandal is sniffed out and the tranquilizer cocktails stop flowing.... these maniacs are gonna wake up and put on a Cirque de So Long for a bunch of unsuspecting onlookers. A Cirque de Buffet. Cirque de Eat everyone with a camera. Cirque de Tourist casserole. Cirque de Siegfried and Roy got off easy compared to you slurpie-guzzling, nature-loving, meat-filled snacks.