Jane...this could be our jam at the reception.
"I tip on alligators and little rattle snakers"
via D.Kalbach
Twitter Haiku
6 years ago
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
5-Minute Theory: Why Stuff Sucks
Put five minutes on the clock. I have another theory to not flesh out properly.
A lot of stuff sucks. It sucks that people are flipping out about the mosque down near Ground Zero. It sucks that churches are known more for hating people, places and things than loving them. Apathy sucks. Here's my theory of why this is:
Research is Dead.
Nobody does their own homework. We listen to the one guy who wrote a book about Islam who says they're all terrorists and we believe him. We tell people he's trustworthy because he used to be one. He knows. So everything he says about Muslims wanting to kill every non-Muslim must be true. We don't do any real research ourselves. We listen to the Glen Becks and Keith Olbermans and call it a day.
Religion sucks because we just inherit our beliefs and never do the research to figure out if we actually believe it ourselves. We accept our paper thin theology from our parents and do one of two things. 1. We grow apathetic and never really do anything with it besides have vague ideas of what we kind of believe. 2. We pick a few things that stand out and fight for them because in that fight we find at least a little purpose. The death or non-exsistence of personal research creates an ignorant brand of apathy and/or zealotry that leads to awkward late night bar talk or pointless pickets full of misspelled signs and bad group chantings.
I went over by four minutes. Oops. And I still didn't make sense of this un-researched theory. Lame.
A lot of stuff sucks. It sucks that people are flipping out about the mosque down near Ground Zero. It sucks that churches are known more for hating people, places and things than loving them. Apathy sucks. Here's my theory of why this is:
Research is Dead.
Nobody does their own homework. We listen to the one guy who wrote a book about Islam who says they're all terrorists and we believe him. We tell people he's trustworthy because he used to be one. He knows. So everything he says about Muslims wanting to kill every non-Muslim must be true. We don't do any real research ourselves. We listen to the Glen Becks and Keith Olbermans and call it a day.
Religion sucks because we just inherit our beliefs and never do the research to figure out if we actually believe it ourselves. We accept our paper thin theology from our parents and do one of two things. 1. We grow apathetic and never really do anything with it besides have vague ideas of what we kind of believe. 2. We pick a few things that stand out and fight for them because in that fight we find at least a little purpose. The death or non-exsistence of personal research creates an ignorant brand of apathy and/or zealotry that leads to awkward late night bar talk or pointless pickets full of misspelled signs and bad group chantings.
I went over by four minutes. Oops. And I still didn't make sense of this un-researched theory. Lame.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Hanson All Grow'd Up
This song is ridiculously catchy. And over-the-top sunshiney and silly. Weird Al's playing tambo for bopsake. Love it.
Friday, August 20, 2010
5-Minute Theory: Boredom as a Terrorism Hatchery
Alright. I have this theory. I also have five minutes before I go to work. So rather than wait to explore said theory at a later juncture I'm gonna start the clock, spew nonsense for five minutes and then microwave some quiche.
I believe boredom is the biggest terrorism threat of our time. It happens in the factories where smart people make tons of money doing tasks that bore the absolute hell out of them. That boredom is unbearable most days. Stuck in a place of knowing they hate their job/life but liking that they can afford their pontoon boat and trips to the casino, these folks decide to numb the boredom pain. They experiment with drugs, that turns into an addiction because it's the only thing that trumps the nagging boredom. That addiction trumps their marriage and kids. Families are ruined. The boredom terrorist cell wins again.
I'm running out of time.
Churches get bored because all they do is get together once a week and wear uncomfortable clothes. They start looking for something, anything to do that'll trigger something in their brain. They need some kind of mission, action, adventure because that's what everyone needs/wants. We're hardwired that way. Somewhere, somebody says, "I'm mad about _____. We should fight to protect ______." Boredom leads to action but it's pointless, stupid action that ends up hurting everybody. How does that happen exactly? Not sure. This theory isn't fleshed out.
One minute left.
Marriage gets boring because the couple gains weight, work gets hard but boring, the tv and couch have "must see" tractor beam that dull the boredom. Couples stop talking because they're bored with the same conversation day in day out. The Internet may not be boring. Porn may be fun. An affair may be fun. Or at least new. New is good. We deserve new. We don't deserve to be bored. We work too hard to be bored. Marriage gets ruined. Kids turn into crazed maniacs that join fraternities and haze other maniacs.
My time is up. There you have it. Ungrounded theory with little to no proof. Science.
I believe boredom is the biggest terrorism threat of our time. It happens in the factories where smart people make tons of money doing tasks that bore the absolute hell out of them. That boredom is unbearable most days. Stuck in a place of knowing they hate their job/life but liking that they can afford their pontoon boat and trips to the casino, these folks decide to numb the boredom pain. They experiment with drugs, that turns into an addiction because it's the only thing that trumps the nagging boredom. That addiction trumps their marriage and kids. Families are ruined. The boredom terrorist cell wins again.
I'm running out of time.
Churches get bored because all they do is get together once a week and wear uncomfortable clothes. They start looking for something, anything to do that'll trigger something in their brain. They need some kind of mission, action, adventure because that's what everyone needs/wants. We're hardwired that way. Somewhere, somebody says, "I'm mad about _____. We should fight to protect ______." Boredom leads to action but it's pointless, stupid action that ends up hurting everybody. How does that happen exactly? Not sure. This theory isn't fleshed out.
One minute left.
Marriage gets boring because the couple gains weight, work gets hard but boring, the tv and couch have "must see" tractor beam that dull the boredom. Couples stop talking because they're bored with the same conversation day in day out. The Internet may not be boring. Porn may be fun. An affair may be fun. Or at least new. New is good. We deserve new. We don't deserve to be bored. We work too hard to be bored. Marriage gets ruined. Kids turn into crazed maniacs that join fraternities and haze other maniacs.
My time is up. There you have it. Ungrounded theory with little to no proof. Science.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Albert's Performance Art
Albert was tired of the games. Tired of the Boxers owned by the Baxters who always made stupid comments when they got walked past his house. Fed up with the irony of the poodles and doodles and other curloodles calling him a freak. Sick of condescending stories about the Iditarod's "don't ask don't tell" policy from Iggie (short for Igloo for godsake), the pretentious poser of a Husky down the street. A statement had to be made. A billboard of sorts. "I'm a big gay dog. Get over it. Lady Gaga 4ever."
Monday, August 16, 2010
Few Thoughts...
A few thoughts from today:
Dog parks turn awkward when ladies start kicking dogs.
Sometimes the only way to convince a dog it's not ok to murder your dog is to kick it.
Sometimes I'm glad to have black lab who is anti-social and a hound with a relentless desire to escape.
Unlike the soggy squirrel "sleeping" in the street, leaves smell good when they start to die.
My hair is getting pretty close to looking like a hockey player from the 1980s.
Or a member of the Cobra Kai Dojo.
I don't think I'd sweep Daniel's leg just because Sensei said so.
I used to have karate pajamas. With a black belt even.
Poser.
I wish cheesy popcorn would put more cheesy in my belly and less on my fingers.
The Hound can't understand why I don't put cheesy in her belly.
There's a bar in Cincinnati with a Notre Dame and Xavier neon sign hanging in its window.
This makes me entertain terrorist thoughts.
Then I think, WWBED?
What would bald eagles do?
Bob Evans was the real deal.
One of these dogs just farted.
It smells like a soggy "sleeping" skunk.
Dog parks turn awkward when ladies start kicking dogs.
Sometimes the only way to convince a dog it's not ok to murder your dog is to kick it.
Sometimes I'm glad to have black lab who is anti-social and a hound with a relentless desire to escape.
Unlike the soggy squirrel "sleeping" in the street, leaves smell good when they start to die.
My hair is getting pretty close to looking like a hockey player from the 1980s.
Or a member of the Cobra Kai Dojo.
I don't think I'd sweep Daniel's leg just because Sensei said so.
I used to have karate pajamas. With a black belt even.
Poser.
I wish cheesy popcorn would put more cheesy in my belly and less on my fingers.
The Hound can't understand why I don't put cheesy in her belly.
There's a bar in Cincinnati with a Notre Dame and Xavier neon sign hanging in its window.
This makes me entertain terrorist thoughts.
Then I think, WWBED?
What would bald eagles do?
Bob Evans was the real deal.
One of these dogs just farted.
It smells like a soggy "sleeping" skunk.
Firestarters BBQ vids 1 & 2
I got a pretty good gig. This past week when we weren't eating deep fried wieners we were burning a thighmaster and garden gnome on a grill for a video. Is this real life?
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Between Two Ferns
I love Between Two Ferns. This might be my favorite yet.
(a few choice words in this one)
(a few choice words in this one)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Dog Parks = K9 orgy
Turns out the Hound is a whore. But a floppy, wholesome, cute kind of whore. We went to the dog park yesterday. First time ever. She went dognanas. Lots of sniffing new dark places. Lots of unprovoked humping by pent up terriers. Lola was like a freshman with a fake ID and a billion dollars in Panama City. She was like Cookie Monster at a midnight rave in the Tollhouse Factory. Garfield at a lasagna orgy. The whole scene was like when the Teletubbies get that feeling. It was like Scrooge McDuck at a Justin Bieber concert. Curve ball. You thought I was gonna say something about a gold coin vault. Watching Lola race around making new friends was a little like watching this crazed demon.
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