5-Minute Theory: Boredom as a Terrorism Hatchery

Alright. I have this theory. I also have five minutes before I go to work. So rather than wait to explore said theory at a later juncture I'm gonna start the clock, spew nonsense for five minutes and then microwave some quiche.

I believe boredom is the biggest terrorism threat of our time. It happens in the factories where smart people make tons of money doing tasks that bore the absolute hell out of them. That boredom is unbearable most days. Stuck in a place of knowing they hate their job/life but liking that they can afford their pontoon boat and trips to the casino, these folks decide to numb the boredom pain. They experiment with drugs, that turns into an addiction because it's the only thing that trumps the nagging boredom. That addiction trumps their marriage and kids. Families are ruined. The boredom terrorist cell wins again.

I'm running out of time.

Churches get bored because all they do is get together once a week and wear uncomfortable clothes. They start looking for something, anything to do that'll trigger something in their brain. They need some kind of mission, action, adventure because that's what everyone needs/wants. We're hardwired that way. Somewhere, somebody says, "I'm mad about _____. We should fight to protect ______." Boredom leads to action but it's pointless, stupid action that ends up hurting everybody. How does that happen exactly? Not sure. This theory isn't fleshed out.

One minute left.

Marriage gets boring because the couple gains weight, work gets hard but boring, the tv and couch have "must see" tractor beam that dull the boredom. Couples stop talking because they're bored with the same conversation day in day out. The Internet may not be boring. Porn may be fun. An affair may be fun. Or at least new. New is good. We deserve new. We don't deserve to be bored. We work too hard to be bored. Marriage gets ruined. Kids turn into crazed maniacs that join fraternities and haze other maniacs.

My time is up. There you have it. Ungrounded theory with little to no proof. Science.

Albert's Performance Art

Albert was tired of the games. Tired of the Boxers owned by the Baxters who always made stupid comments when they got walked past his house. Fed up with the irony of the poodles and doodles and other curloodles calling him a freak. Sick of condescending stories about the Iditarod's "don't ask don't tell" policy from Iggie (short for Igloo for godsake), the pretentious poser of a Husky down the street. A statement had to be made. A billboard of sorts. "I'm a big gay dog. Get over it. Lady Gaga 4ever."

Few Thoughts...

A few thoughts from today:

Dog parks turn awkward when ladies start kicking dogs.

Sometimes the only way to convince a dog it's not ok to murder your dog is to kick it.

Sometimes I'm glad to have black lab who is anti-social and a hound with a relentless desire to escape.

Unlike the soggy squirrel "sleeping" in the street, leaves smell good when they start to die.

My hair is getting pretty close to looking like a hockey player from the 1980s.

Or a member of the Cobra Kai Dojo.

I don't think I'd sweep Daniel's leg just because Sensei said so.

I used to have karate pajamas. With a black belt even.

Poser.

I wish cheesy popcorn would put more cheesy in my belly and less on my fingers.

The Hound can't understand why I don't put cheesy in her belly.

There's a bar in Cincinnati with a Notre Dame and Xavier neon sign hanging in its window.

This makes me entertain terrorist thoughts.

Then I think, WWBED?

What would bald eagles do?

Bob Evans was the real deal.

One of these dogs just farted.

It smells like a soggy "sleeping" skunk.

Firestarters BBQ vids 1 & 2

I got a pretty good gig. This past week when we weren't eating deep fried wieners we were burning a thighmaster and garden gnome on a grill for a video. Is this real life?

Mess With The Hound and You Get Humped

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0579.MOV (1771 KB)

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Between Two Ferns

I love Between Two Ferns. This might be my favorite yet.
(a few choice words in this one)

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Steve Carell from Between Two Ferns

Dog Parks = K9 orgy

Turns out the Hound is a whore. But a floppy, wholesome, cute kind of whore. We went to the dog park yesterday. First time ever. She went dognanas. Lots of sniffing new dark places. Lots of unprovoked humping by pent up terriers. Lola was like a freshman with a fake ID and a billion dollars in Panama City. She was like Cookie Monster at a midnight rave in the Tollhouse Factory. Garfield at a lasagna orgy. The whole scene was like when the Teletubbies get that feeling. It was like Scrooge McDuck at a Justin Bieber concert. Curve ball. You thought I was gonna say something about a gold coin vault. Watching Lola race around making new friends was a little like watching this crazed demon.

FlameThrower vs. FlameExtinguisher

A fiery duel between two angry devils.

J.Biebs

It's like his hair is made of hypnotic tractor beams. I can't look away. Even when he's dancing so awesome I can't stop looking at his brown mane. Why is that?


Justin Bieber - Love Me
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Cheerio

On the eve of my sixth wedding anniversary I found myself in a situation I rarely experience. I was at Big Justy's bachelor party and I was one of the eldest statesmen when it came to marriage. Most of the guys there were either single or newly married. A few guys asked me if I had any advice on marriage. They were drunk. I was caught off guard because I'm the one usually asking this question to my older friends. I thought about it for a bit and my answer ended up being simple.

Be your spouse's biggest fan and cheerleader. So when your spouse works up enough courage to share with you a dream/hope/idea your default response should be, "I love it. How do we make it happen?" Don't jump to conclusions about costs (money, time, inconvenience, sacrifice). Jump to solutions. It takes guts to talk about dreams and hopes out loud. Honor that courage. Be an advocate. There's a surplus of critics.