"" bshawise: Deer Hunter

Friday, August 22, 2008

Deer Hunter

The other day a deer family strolled through our neighborhood. Single mom, two kids. The dad, missing, probably at the local salt lick reliving his latest run in (literally) with an El Camino. "So I go down, boom and the guy jumps out and tries hoisting me into his tiny car-truck. Can you believe that?" Lick. "He grabbed my horns. Nobody grabs my horns except the old lady, you know what I'm saying? So I kicked him in the moustache and ran back into French Park."

Seeing those deer tip toe down the middle of my street made me think of time travel. What if the flux capacitor teamed up with a foreign exchange student program and made it possible for ancient visitors to spend time with us here in the present future? Crazy right? If we had a pioneer named Caleb (circa 1860s) staying with us when those deer rolled up it might've looked like this....

Leah: "Brad, there's deer in our front yard!"

Brad: "By golly." (I'd be talking old fashioned to make Caleb feel welcome.)

Leah: "Oh my gosh!!!! Look at the little babies!"

Caleb: "KILL EM!"

Leah: "Caleb! Stop!"

Caleb: "DEER. FRONT YARD. KILL THEM!"

Brad: "It doesn't...we're not allowed to just kill stuff, Caleb."

Caleb: (staring blankly) "A month's worth of food is playing hopscotch in your front lawn. Quit hornswaggling and get your gun."

Brad: "I uh...yeah, I don't have a gun...Caleb."

Leah: "We have all kinds of food in the fridge, Caleb. Are you hungry?"

Caleb: "If someone doesn't get me a gun in two seconds I'm gonna cuss."

Brad: "I seriously don't have a gun, Caleb. I'm sorry."

Caleb: "Suffering succotash."

(I couldn't think of any old fashioned cuss words)

5 comments:

Christopher Day said...

I'm pretty sure Dad-blamed might be one you could use, but I'm not real olde tymie so I'm not positive.



P.S. You really don't have a gun? If only you were friends with an International Arms Dealer...huh...

Micah said...

No use of the word "tarnation?"

I call shenanigans.

John Arns said...

Well, I gotta add my two cents. Brad, I took the liberty of looking up some 1800s cuss words and found the following (and Chris was RIGHT ON IT with 'blame'. That was used in 19th century as was Micah's 'tarnation').
Although not an exhaustive list, these are the tame ones:

bastard
blame
bloody
crap
damn
dang
darn
dash!
goldarned
pshaw
tarnation


Many terms used today such as the 'f' word and the 's' word and a few more, which I can NOT list, were also used in 1860.

Clarke said...

i like pshaw. i think i might bring that one back.

John Arns said...

I got another one:

flibberty gibbit